The mentally ill in India …whose responsibility are they?

The mentally ill in India …whose responsibility are they?

I was chatting with a friend of mine who unburdened herself to me about her travails in managing the care of her mentally ill brother. My husband & I had a heated argument after the call, debating about who should shoulder the burden of his care. My husband thinks that my friend should walk out of the house and stop caring for her ill brother. He believes that women in India always end up in this caring and nurturing role, sacrifice their time and energy and at the end of the day get nothing…they don’t get thanks, they don’t get  recognition  and  NO one offers a helping hand.

 I, on the other hand argued that someone in the family has to take care of this guy and it happens to be my friend.

This argument, made me pen my thoughts about this issue.

In this article, I am talking about the mentally ill in middle class, urban India who are continue to be symptomatic and dependent. My observations are based on the families of mentally ill whom I have known personally for two to three decades. This is an issue for which there seems to be no clear solutions.

Before I discuss the issues, I would like to present  a brief snapshot of  the mentally ill & their families.

(1) An unmarried mentally ill lady about 50 years old, living with her mother, brother, sister-in-law and 2 nieces. She has 2 other siblings who are settled abroad. She has been suffering from mental illness from her teenage years and though on high doses of medication, she exhibits severe behaviour problems at home. The doctors cannot hike the medication as she is on high doses already. She refuses to get admitted to a hospital for treatment or admitted to a half way home or rehabilitation centre. The family cannot make her. She is verbally and physically aggressive, spends a lot of money(she is not earning), is paranoid, impulsive and is such a menacing presence in her home that the other people in her house, suffer a lot. They fear her and do what she says in order to buy peace.

(2) A married mentally ill man in his 40s, is living with his parents, wife and oldest sister who is single. He was running a business in his 20s and 30s but as his illness got worse, he had losses in his business due to poor management and he stopped his business. He was staying at home in a very passive manner for a few years when he was on medication. He was medicated by his family, without his knowledge as he would not take medication willingly. Before the readers from the advanced countries scream about his rights, let me tell you that this is a common practice in India, which even the trained professionals (psychiatrists) recommend, if the client is unwilling to take medication and he is physically aggressive. Secretly medicating is the only practical option for families when the mentally ill person is non-compliant with medication, is physically stronger or is in a position of power in the family. This mentally ill guy has one more  sibling, who is married, has a child and living with spouse, in another part of the same city. This sibling is not involved in his care in any way.

(3) A mentally ill single lady in her early 50s,unemployed and  living with her mother and sister. She has never been diagnosed until recently i.e. when she was in her forties. The doctor did not give a diagnosis but gave her tablets and her behaviour, whether due to the tablets or other reasons, has gradually improved. It is difficult to say if she has psychosis(no evidence of hallucinations and maybe she has some delusions) or a personality disorder or whatever. She is the second of eight daughters born to a lower-middle-class businessman. Years ago, she was told by an astrologer that she will marry a rich person and subsequently she refused to marry all the prospective bridegrooms her parents showed her as she was waiting for ‘the rich guy’ the astrologer had predicted.  She spent her time at home, refusing to do the household chores, refusing to study further or get a job. She sat and waited for the rich groom, who never came. Meanwhile, her dad did not try to get the other daughters married …he wanted to finish his second daughter’s marriage, before going on to the third. After waiting for many years, and after the father’s death, the other girls found men on their own and married. This mentally ill lady at some time in her late twenties started showing behaviours which her exasperated sisters attributed to jealousy and meanness. She would grab the newspaper and sit with it until the sisters left for work or college, refusing to give it to anyone else. She would finish all the water which the sisters had carried up in pots from downstairs and refuse to bring up any water. This was not considered as mental illness at the time.

She remained at home, considered troublesome by her sisters and she seemed to gradually improve after 20 years, with threats, cajoling and tablets which the doctor started a few years ago. She is now doing a few chores at home and not being aggressive or mean.

Of the three cases here, two are women and one is a man.

The two women are single while the man is married.

The two women have never ever worked while the guy ran a business for a few years. But he has had severe losses and his family believe that they would have been better off if he had not done business but sat at home idle. He had no sense of judgement and shrugs away the losses and demands money to start a ‘new’ business. Fearing his wrath, the family gave him money initially but now they have no money to give. He is now taking loans which he will never clear.

All three are currently unemployed.

All three are living with their families and supported by their families.

All three are symptomatic and it is very difficult for the families. There are fights & tensions on a daily basis and the worst part of it is that in the first and second cases, the families live in constant fear. Fear that the mentally ill person will harm them. In the first case, the lady has fractured her mother’s limbs on more than one occasion. In the second case, the guy has assaulted his mother and backed off from assaulting his sister when she threatened to call the police. This is an empty threat but it worked…the police do not respond promptly, when called, in India.

Two of them i.e. the first and second are a huge financial threat to their families as they spend money like water. The guy is a severe threat financially as he takes loans, spends money and his family has to clear the loans, though they have limited income.

In the second and third cases, growing children were not affected by the mental illness in the family as there were only adults when the mental illness affected the two people. Sadly, in the first case, two nieces of the mentally ill lady, were exposed to her terrible behaviour from birth to adulthood. As they are still in the same house, they continue to be exposed to their aunt’s terrible behaviour and exposed to the strained relations ships between all the family members at home. Thanks to God, the two girls appear to be resilient but I am sure, that this exposure has taken it’s toll on their relationships, personality development, academics and every aspect of their life. I can go on and on about the damage caused to children who grow up in an environment fraught with tensions where just one person happens to be mentally ill but I am not going into the details here.

The people who are living with these three mentally ill have paid a heavy toll in so many ways.  For example, all three families are on the brink of financial disaster, especially the last family and the first. Before you jump to conclusions about cost of treatment, let me explain…it is not the cost of the medicine or treatment. It is the financial messes caused by their symptomatic behaviour of spending money and taking loans. And sadly, in the first family, the sister-in-law of the mentally ill lady is so enraged by the spending habits of this mentally ill sister of her husband, that she too spends recklessly! The mother-in-law who is financially supporting this entire family (her son who is abroad sends her money) is mum as she cannot stop her daughter who is mentally ill. And when she cannot stop her daughter from reckless spending, she thinks, it is wrong to question her daughter in law when she spends.  This gives you a flavour of  some things which goes on in the families of the mentally ill. But the extent of the problems is not revealed even in the best surveys and studies, as families do not report things during surveys which cast them in a bad light!

In terms of relations ships too, there is so much damage, it is difficult to measure the extent of it!

 The daughter-in-law in the first family has anger about being in the same home as her mentally ill unmarried sister in law, who is disrespectful to her and paranoid. She is a housewife and therefore financially dependent on her husband; divorce is not an option for various reasons.

In the second family, the mentally ill man has terrorized his family; the family’s sole aim is avoiding  his anger outbursts and if possible,  preventing him from taking new loans and opening new businesses.  Other goals are second priority in their lives such as attending to their own interests and hobbies, their own work, health or social relations ships. Due to the stress of living with this mentally ill, the relations ships between the family members has become emotionless/bitter. My friend feels zero love for her mentally ill brother, her respect for her mother is decreasing as the mother does not support her or respect her for her efforts in managing her brother and also her dementing father. My friend is especially bitter about the second class treatment she got from her parents as she could not get married and their refusal to give her, her share of the property as she is female. The wife of the mentally ill guy, lives in this house, going to her work place daily, and helping to look after her husband when she is at home. She does not discuss or share much with the family of her husband. They are virtually 5 people, living under one roof , with no affection binding them. They are under this one roof together because, they do not have the economic means to escape.

  In the third family, the sisters of the mentally ill had a lot of anger towards her as they could not get married at the right time because of her; they also  had anger towards their father and so on.

Burden of care

In Canada, where I am living at present, the burden of care of the mentally ill falls on the government. I have seen mentally ill, who are unable to be gainfully employed, get a stipend from the government which enables them to live independently.  This is for the duration of the illness and as major mental illnesses, last for life, they get this financial support for life. This money is enough for them to rent an apartment, buy food, have a phone and travel within the city. They get free treatment and free medication and free hospitalizations. For those, who are unable to live on their own, there are apartments which are staffed by trained personnel.  I have also seen mentally ill who live with their families but the burden on the Canadian families is much lesser than families in India. Some mentally ill, who live with their families, give a portion of the money they receive from the government, to their families and so do not drain the family financially. Medication and healthcare  is free and so that is not a problem at all. There are drop in centres and centres where they can work or attend a day program, receive free counselling, etc. When a mentally ill relapses or becomes violent,  all that  the family has to do is call 911 and the police/ambulance  arrive at the door step and escort the mentally ill to the hospital.  In Canada, a mentally ill can be asked to leave his house if his presence makes it unsafe for others and there are places where he can stay, without ending up on the streets. There are various organizations providing, with government funding, shelters with different levels of support, for the mentally ill.

The parents of the mentally ill or his siblings are not as burdened as the siblings or parents of the mentally ill in India. What about the mentally ill in India  who has no family ? I shudder to think of what happens to them.

 

 

The things which make me feel angry, guilty, helpless and frustrated about the things in India about the care of the mentally ill:

The Indian government is not doing anything to help the families take care of the mentally ill…in terms of financial help.

The parents of mentally ill, try to get their mentally ill off-spring  married , without revealing about the mental illness to the bride/groom. If the marriage takes place, the unsuspecting bride/groom is supposed to take care of this person for life! Some of them even have children and the problems continue. These days, the duped parties, resort to divorce and do not stick to the mentally ill spouse for life..

The parents of the mentally ill, worry about who will take care of the mentally ill children, when they die. As many mentally ill and mentally retarded and even unassertive ‘normal’ children have had their properties stolen after their parents die, this is a huge worry.

Some siblings, have feelings of affection or at least a sense of duty or feelings of guilt, and they look after the mentally ill sib, even while grumbling and receiving flak from their spouses. But there are a few who are selfish and refuse to care for their mentally ill sibling and the mentally ill sibling may end up on the street as a destitute or wandering lunatic.  I have seen this happen to one lady of a middle-class background and it broke my heart to see her in rags on the streets. I have nothing to do with it but I still feel shame about my helplessness to do anything about it.{ I saw her( a mentally ill lady from my neighbourhood) on the street in Bangalore, when I was travelling by bus…she was in rags and I went home and cried and cried but did not know what to do. I was a child then} I get angry with the siblings who refuse to take care of the mentally ill sibling. There are of course, various levels of caring or refusal to take care. Some sibs help out financially but do not want the mentally ill in their home. So sibling A houses the mentally ill while sibling B sends money to sib A. Sib C may take care of the hospital visits. The spoilt or selfish sibling may do nothing.

There are not enough centres where the mentally ill can spend time, either gainfully employed or doing volunteer work. Keeping the mentally ill engaged, daily, at least 5 days a week, for at least 60 years of their life as mentally ill and unemployed is a daunting task for any family. The Indian government has to do something about opening centres for the mentally ill who are mildly symptomatic and unemployed. Their number is in the millions.  The free time the unemployed mentally ill have is the biggest cause of their getting into police troubles, they troubling the families and relapsing into illness.

Many of the mentally ill need a lot more besides medication. The families need education about the illness. Many families, do not understand the mentally ill and have various superstitions, wrong beliefs about the causes and treatments of mental illnesses, many treat the mentally ill in brutal ways due to anger, frustration and ignorance and this leads to the mentally ill becoming aggressive or being crushed. Many families and the ill, need counselling, therapies, etc.

Work to remove stigma needs to be done.

There is a need for the government to develop a system in every village and city which will help in the smooth admission and treatment of the uncooperative mentally ill. Right now, it is a huge burden for the families of the violent mentally ill to get them treated. They have to physically tie up the patient, or beat him/her into submission and drag him to the hospital. In families, with inadequate support like the second family in this article, the patient, holds his family to ransom and wreaks havoc within the family by terrorizing them.

Corrupt doctors in government hospitals prevent access to free care for the poor patients and their families. These shameless doctors should be kicked out of their posts and honest doctors should be employed (Ha Ha).

There should be more psychiatrists or the GPs should be trained to treat the mentally ill.

I hope that the government of India, by some miracle develop a conscience and do the needful for the mentally ill in India.

The problems faced by families (in India) who have mentally ill(MI) members has been documented by various researchers and the information has been made public in newspaper articles and television. However, there is little information about the problems faced by the middle-class families who have MI members. (I do know that the problems faced by the poor and the rural families are much much more than the problems faced by the middle class…but I am not talking about them here).

Here are a few problems faced by middle-class families with MI whom I know. The families I am writing about are all Bangaloreans, related to me or my friends or neighbours. The lives of these families, I am sure, reflects the lives of the millions of middle-class people facing MI in India.

Stigma: Fear of stigma, prevents some of my friends to go the ‘whole way’ to seek help. While a few family members are ready to get an ambulance or seek police help to deal with the MI person refusing treatment, there are others in the same family who do not want to get the help of the police. If these family members have power and have their way, then the person remains untreated and the problems caused by the MI continue, affecting everyone in the family.

Economics: These families have poured so much into the treatment or simply keeping the MI at home that some have had their savings and property eroded slowly over time. A surprising fact is that it is not the cost of the medicine or the hospitalizations which has caused the biggest dent in their savings. It is two other deadly factors: (1)a family member who gives up on his or her career and loses earnings and (2)the losses caused by the spending sprees and other behaviours of the MI

(a)  A family member who is capable of earning gives up their career or compromises in some way, so as to have the time to look after the MI.  The people who are not working and at home are usually too old and weak to look after the MI……it has to be an able bodied person and so one person, gives up on career.

(b) The MI, due to the nature of the illness (such as mania or a personality disorder) spends extravagant amounts of money, though he or she is not earning a dime! The families are unable to control this spending and some weak-minded family members buy peace by giving in to the demands of the MI. I have a relative who goes on trips costing thousands of rupees at least once a month. I know a friend’s sibling who has taken loans of lakhs of rupees and invested in businesses which failed. Now the entire family is on the hook for these loans….and he will be taking more loans this month! He says he will repay when his business improves and his family is too scared of him to effectively stop him or boot him out of the house.

In Canada, if a mentally ill person, who refuses treatment, demands money aggressively, the family simply dial 911 and the police, with the help of  community or hospital based mental health staff, take the MI to the hospital for treatment. If the person is difficult to manage at home, the family make him leave. Unlike, India, the MI does not land on the streets. In Canada, there are group homes and other living arrangements (for their entire life!) for these people. The MI also receive a pension ( example ODSP or  Welfare) which enables them to live without draining their families financially.

Social Burden of care: The families are drained not only financially but in so many other ways….

·        It is difficult for the siblings of the MI to get married especially if the prospective grooms and brides believe in genetics and worry that the ‘normal’ sibling may be carrying the gene for the MI.

·        The difficult behaviour of the MI leads to the family gradually withdrawing from their friends and relatives. They stop visiting  and stop inviting people over and this isolation  leads to a whole lot of other problems . They need more support when caring for a mentally ill person … instead, they are cutting off from the support they have.

·        The more problematic behaviours of the mentally ill, leads to quarrels in the family and breakdown of the relationships within the family.  Of all the behaviours, the worst are aggression especially physical aggression, excessive spending and paranoia or suspiciousness.  As I said before, the spending behaviours of the MI have brought middle-class families to bankruptcy and plunged them from upper middle class to lower class levels.

·        The physical burden of care too takes it’s toll. The bitter complaint of many middle-class people is the lack of trained and trust-worthy people  whom they can hire to help in taking care of the MI. One family I know wants to hire a man who will help an aged gentleman in the family with dementia with toileting and dressing but are unable to find anyone.(India has a population of a billion plus but when you want to hire people, you will not find them!) Their needs from the hired help are so simple but they are unable to find one!

·        Break-ups within the family: If a husband is mentally ill, his wife will blame her in-laws for deceiving her into getting married(in case of arranged marriages) and she will end up hating her in-laws. For various reasons, she is unable to divorce and is forced to live with her MI husband and in-laws, who are her support, in looking after her husband.

Another example is of a lady who has to put up with her unmarried mentally ill sister-in-law, as she lives in a joint family with parents in law & sister in law.. This MI individual, wields immense power in the family(it is her symptoms which give her this power!) and her crazy decisions have to be followed or else she throws  tantrums which the family cannot endure. While there are 8 people living under one roof, there is little love lost between them, due to the strain caused by the MI lady. They are living in one house, but considering the bitter  emotions they have towards each other, I would not call it a home.

In Canada, I have observed behaviour therapists go into the homes and train the families to deal with these behaviours and bring these behaviours under control with the use of behaviour therapy (in addition to psychiatric medication, family counselling, etc). However, even though there are psychologists trained in behaviour therapy in India, even though there are psychiatrists, not much is organized to treat these behaviours, either because the system has not been created or the family is reluctant to use behaviour therapy techniques.

 Another example is of  an unmarried sister who is living with her parents and has to look after her mentally ill brother.

 The list of people who are the unwilling carers of the MI goes on endlessly.

Effects on children growing up in a home with a MI: I have observed two girls grow up into adults in a family with a MI person. This MI person’s symptoms have never been fully under control and her behaviours are characterized by suspiciousness, aggression, anger, over-spending, impulsiveness such as joining and giving up expensive educational courses, going on travels, etc. This person does not earn but spends more than the entire family put together! Her behaviours and quarrelling with the adults in the family has had negative impact on the children who grew up in this family. It is a terrible tragedy, which the entire set of 200 relatives has watched for years with sorrow and anger and helplessness! No one wants to be firm with the MI, no one wants to confront her or treat her in an effective manner or put limits to her behaviours. I am unable to see any major psychological damage in the kids who grew up in this house , thank the lord but I am sure some damage is there.

The constant worry of the parents of the MI: Who will look after this person when I die is a constant worry. There are no institutions to take care of the MI in India…there are a handful but not enough. Many of these institutions do not do a good job of taking care of the MI admitted into them. The parents who have observed the siblings hating the role of the care-giver worry about the MI child being abandoned, once they die. Which does happen in some cases.

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Why does this situation happen?

 

These are my reasons why these situations happen(in India). By these situations I mean, why are the erratically behaving MI, who ruin the lives of their family members tolerated.

 

(1) Some Mental Illnesses such as schizophrenia, personality disorders, etc cannot be cured completely. Some symptoms, the moods and behaviour problems continue. Some mental illnesses or some mentally ill  can be cured but factors such as

a)     Poor skills in treating professionals

b)    The mentally ill refusing treatment because of side-effects of drugs

c)     Mentally ill refusing treatment as they refuse to accept they are mentally ill and neither the family or the treating team can make them take medicine/treatment

d)    Inspite of being on the right treatment, right doses, regularly, some symptoms or behaviours or personality traits cannot be corrected or changed. Increasing the dose only leads to deterioration of health but not change in the problematic behaviour.

e)     Some families do not believe that their child has MI. (Denial) They refuse to seek treatment and attribute the problem behaviours to other causes :example. This is what a mother said of her alcoholic son “He will stop drinking if his wife treated him with more love and attention”.

f)      Some families prefer to go to a temple for seeking divine intervention than going to a psychiatrist. Some go to healers and tantrics…Yes, even the educated and middle-class urban Indians go to these people than a psychiatrist.

g)     Another cause in delay in seeking psychiatric help is the increase in the family’s tolerance for the MI’s increasingly erratic behaviour. It is only an outsider who can see the abnormality in the MI’s behaviour. The family’s tolerance has increased proportionate to the  deterioration in behaviour and so they fail to notice (or pretend? To fail to notice) the onset of MI. I have seen this in the families of so many schizophrenics. When an undiagnosed schizophrenic was violent, his mother explained by saying, he is short tempered and that it’s okay!

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I can go on and on about these issues but I want to understand and analyze, why do the family members put up with this shit??

Children: Have no choice, no understanding of the situation and even if they can, where can they go, leaving their home? It is not possible to ask relatives to care for them. One can put the children  in boarding schools but is it an option if the child does not want boarding school? So children, the most vulnerable of all, have no escape but to live in the house with the MI.

Parents: If I am the parent of a mentally ill, I think, it is my responsibility to look after my MI child, whom I created/gave birth to. Of course, I would not have had this MI child, if I knew in advance that my child would be mentally ill! Some parents do get their MI kids married so that there is someone to look after them, when they die but I do not think I will do that. One psychiatrist whom I admire a lot, is a very optimistic person who does not see anything wrong about the mentally ill (such as schizophrenics) getting married but I am a bloody pessimist! In Canada, there is a lot of advocacy done for the MI and it is believed that they too have the right to marry, etc. But in Canada, they are supported by disability pension by the government. In India, the family has to support a MI, if he is not working. And if a MI man gets married, either his wife is to be supported by his family or she has to support him or her family has to support their daughter and their MI son-in-law.  What option is considered good here??? Put yourself in the place of each of these people

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I am witnessing a sad story unfold itself in India.

This is a family with two aged parents (70-80 years), two daughters and a son. While the youngest daughter is married and living with her husband, the son and his wife, and the oldest daughter who is unmarried live with the aging parents.

The son is suffering from a mood disorder (manic at present) and has become increasingly belligerent and nearing a stage when he may become violent soon. He is spending massive amounts of money, not doing anything to earn and demanding money from his hapless parents, sister and wife. He refuses to take medication and cannot be taken to a hospital for treatment.  The combined physical efforts of his wife, sister and aged parents are not enough to hold him down when he is violent. Hence, his family simply give in to his demands and manage by cajoling him than being firm. To date, he has spent huge amounts of money on needless things and has taken loans from various banks and is plunging his family into debt. It is impossible to make him see reason….he has lost all common sense and has these delusions of grandeur…he believes that if he is given the money he asks, he will do business and earn millions of rupees.

This family has spoken to psychiatrists but they are not able to help unless he comes in to get admitted. They are now considering taking the help of police and are trying to contact a relative who is in the police force to get him to go to the hospital.  However the old mother is adamant that neither a police van nor an ambulance come to the house to take him for hospital admission…..She does not want the neighbours to know he is ill but it looks like everyone of their relatives, friends and neighbours have put two and two together and guessed about his mental illness since several years. 

This is the current situation and has been going on for the last few months i.e. since he stopped medication.

This guy was on medication without his knowledge ( a common practice in India where this is practical/effective and not considered unethical either by the doctors or the families) for a few years before this. He was not working but manageable at home. He was passive and spent his time at home.

The psychiatrist who saw him appearing quiet and amenable decided to inform him that he should take medicine as he needs it. This guy agreed and the family stopped medicating him secretly and started giving it to him. Predictably, he stopped taking after a few months and had this current relapse. 

My friend, the oldest unmarried daughter in the family, asked me for advice and I was unable to come up with anything new. I felt so bad about it. My friend says she needs a ‘man’ to get her 6ft 2” brother to go to the hospital or take his medication.

 Her brother has now become so distrustful of his family (for medicating him through food) that he eats at the hotels all the time or cooks himself.  And without medication, his demands for money, his spending and his loan taking are getting out of control. She is fearful of warning his creditors not to loan him, as he can attack her if he ever comes to know that she has warned people not to loan him money.

This is a situation I have seen often in India. Where the mentally ill in the family is powerful and the family is helpless….where the mentally ill refuses medication and there is no system in the government or the society to deal with the situation.  I have also seen a violent mentally ill person, overcome by his or her relatives, beaten up, tied up and brought against their will to the hospitals.   The mentally ill is taken ‘ tied up’ into the hospital, injected with a sedative and only then the ropes are  untied.  I have seen only rarely, the  use of a sedative injection at home, before bringing the mentally ill to the hospital.

PinInterest

Discovered Pininterest recently and loving it!!! It's way better than googling images.
I am not going to write about it as any of you reading this can google and find out.
You can search for anything and find something about it  on Pininterest. I love the photos  and the creativity one finds on Pininterest! I have been checking out things like recycled furniture, recycled bottles, recycled bras, recycled any object you care to name, jewellery, doorways etc and finding so many beautiful things here.

When browsing on pininterest, I don't notice the passage of time. I can be here for ages and not even feel that time has passed! 
Some of my favorites on Pininterest are:

Sea shells: People are so creative in their seashell creations and arrangements.

Driftwood

quotes about various things

art with zippers!

fused glass

pottery

jewelry especially Mughal jewels, antique Indian jewels, antique jewels from different parts of the world

cats

books

Things I like:

 

Cat, husband, family, friends, home, country,

Day dream, **********, Google, pin interest, ebay, amazon, google images, chat, gossip,shop,Fantasize plesant or exciting events in which I am the heroine and I win, save, suffer, etc.

Gustatory:Food and sweets and savories

Visual:TV shows & Movies,

Cerebral:Books(crime fiction, mythology), comics, magazines, coffee table books about art, photos, interior decoration, wild animals, sceneries, faraway lands, etc

Olfactory: Nice perfumes, smell  of rain on mud, flowers,

Auditory: Songs I like, gossiping with friends, etc

Tactile: Massage, something lightly running on my skin, head massage, scratching an itch, cool breeze when feeling hot and vice versa

Travel to nice places

Meet up with friends

Sleep, Take rest.

Play with cat

Take photos.

Nostalgia: look or recall the books, pictures, experiences, sights, sounds, smells of my childhood, the memories of my past, and dwell on them for hours and hours.

Make fantastic  plans in my head

Fantasize

Bob’s Burgers:

Bob’s Burgers:
I came across Bob’s Burgers while flipping through channels…I  paused to watch a bit and got hooked! I loved this show (and so does my husband) so much that I went online and saw all episodes of the previous seasons. This show is entertaining, funny and ‘not sick’.

Briefly, it’s a cartoon show about a family of five. Bob run’s a restaurant and his wife Linda works with him; Bob’s kids Tina, Gene & Louise chip in to work at the restaurant before and after school hours.  The family dynamics is great & the personality of each character with their quirks is charming. The best part of this show for me is the voices of the characters! I love the voices….each voice is unique and brings out the personality of the characters perfectly.  I am hard-pressed to choose which character is my favorite. I love/hate the little terror Louise; and I love poor Tina who makes me laugh and tugs at my heart. But then Linda too is funny & quirky and Bob is such a sweetheart! I love them all!

The absence of a laugh-track is another feature of this show I love. I wonder when all shows will do away with these distracting laugh tracks.

Another aspect of this show I like is that it is not ‘sick’ like other cartoon shows such as Family Guy. I am not saying that Family Guy, American Dad and other shows are sick….I find them funny and enjoy them but they have so much stuff in them which turns my stomach(while also making me laugh).

I hope this show goes on forever. I am grateful to the makers of this show……Bob & his family makes me smile not only when I am watching them but also when I remember them.

Maskai recipe

Maskai recipe:

 Google  any Indian dish,  and  hundreds of  recipes show up online.

 But when I Googled  Maskai,  I was surprised to see  only two entries come up ! Of the two, one was not even a recipe but  only a mention in Wikipedia under dishes of Karnataka.

Also, I had thought that everyone from Karnataka  knew about  Maskai but it looks like only  the Gowda community   know about Maskai  and not people of other castes & communities. I love this simple dish with a rustic taste …no fancy spices in it…only Dhania powder.

So, I decided  to add to the Maskai recipes online by giving my version of Maskai

Maskai is a type of mashed vegetable-lentil soup  but it’s made without  the ubiquitous sambar powder.

It’s simple and quick to make. 

Main Ingredients: Brinjal, Ridge gourd, Toor dhal(ridge gourd optional)

For taste:  Salt, green chilli, tomato (For the Trimurthi of tastes of “Uppu, khara & huli")

For the seasoning: oil, mustard seeds, hing, curry leaves, onion

For flavour:  coriander leaves, coriander powder.

Method:

Cook toor dhal(Half cup toor dhal in two cups of water) in cooker ; Also cook brinjal, ridge gourd, tomato and green chilli(all these vegetables in one vessal with 2 cups  water).
 I cook toor dhal separate as it needs to  be cooked longer than the vegetables....switch off the stove after four whistles from the cooker  for toor dhal and after one whistle for the vegetables.

When the dhal and vegetables have cooled, mash  both of them manually. (Mashing in mixer is done by some but I think it gets over mashed, even if in mixer for only 5 seconds.)

Heat any cooking oil (about two table spoons)and when it's hot, put in mustard seeds, curry leaves, onions,coriander powder and hing. When the onions turn colour,  pour in the mashed dhal and vegetables. Add salt. Bring to a boil. Add coriander leaves at the end. ( I like the coriander leaves uncooked)

Quantity can vary: I use approximately  one pound of brinjals , two medium size tomatoes, half cup of toor dhal, 10-12 green chilli, one small or half medium size onion cut into lengthy pieces,  one table spoon of coriander powder.  I do not need to give details of the rest such as curry leaves (one sprig or more depending on cost and availability!), coriander leaves, hing.  The thicker the consisteny the tastier it is for me. I also like it hot and sour and so I like to add extra chillis and tomatoes or tamarind.
I recall that around spring time when the tamarind trees had the tender new leaves, my village relatives would add the tender leaves of the tamarind tree  into this dish and it tasted great! I loved the smoky flavour which got into this dish, thanks to the wood burning ovens in the village kitchens.

Maskai goes well with Chapatti and Ragi Mudde. In fact I prefer to eat Maskai with Chapatti or Mudde than with rice.

PS: When I was newly married, my husband always made fun of the names of the dishes made at my parents home(he is a Kannadiga like me but of a different caste and he claims he  has never heard of these dishes in his life!). Maskai is one of the dishes he says he has never heard of. The other dishes he has 'never heard of' include Bus-saru and Huli-soppu.
I prefer tomato to tamarind, ever since a nutritionist said that tamarid use prevents the absorbtion of iron in the body...that many Indians are anemic as  tamarind is used in our dishes and so on. I dont know if it's true but I am avoiding tamarind anyway.

How to smash creativity in children?

Growing up in Bangalore, India in a middle class  Hindu family in the 70s and 80s, I have had my share of experiences of having my creative spirits smashed out of me. I have also observed the murder of creativity happening to others around me. I hope people reading this and who happen to be those who  smash the creative and exploring spirit of children or anyone ..... change .
I have listed below how creativity and exploring is cut in various ways by  well-meaning people.

• When a little baby crawls around the house, the person-in-charge, keeps carrying the baby back to it's cradle or bed and tells the baby to stop crawling. Instead of making the room or home child-friendly and child-safe, they prefer to stop the baby from crawling around. This happens so frequently that the child finally stays put in it's cradle.
• When a child of three, four or five, draws or colours, well meaning relatives correct it constantly by saying, "roses are red. Not blue. Dont use the blue pencil. Use the red" or "A house is not round. It is square. Draw it properly". This sort of comments, criticism prevernts the child from doing what it wants to. The relatives want the following from the child:(1) What it is drawing should "Look" like the object it is drawing;(2) Many relatives are impatient and want the child to get it 'right' the first time or 'pretty soon.(3)Some relatives are so impatient, they dont let teh child find the solution by itself but demonstrate or teach and rob the child of the process of finding the answer on it's own through trial and error, through thinking and by taking time.
• Most people are extremely narrow and conservative in their thinking and expect the same of their children. What is 'right' in their opinion is usually what is the norm in Indian society. Anything different is 'wrong' and ergo, actively discouraged. A teenager who wants to grow his hair long is critised by his parents and nagged until he cuts it short. If a child refuses to oil her hair, she is scolded and her hair is oiled by force. If a girl wants to cut her hair, she is not allowed and made to grow her hair and plait it. Though parents have become a bit more flexible about giving freedom to theri children about the way they dress, teens and kids still do not have complete freedom to dress how they like.....especially if the way they want to dress is far out.
• When children create something such as a drawing, painting, story, poem.....unconditional love is not what they get. Comments which are critical or mildly positive(the belief in India is if you praise children, it will "go to their heads' and so it is better to "not praise them too much"), corrections and suggestions to change or do differently are what they get. The kind of comments they get is enough to dampen the spirits of most children or teens.
• Also the adults , most of them being conservative, praise only if the creation of the child falls in their own narrow criteria of what is good. For example, if the poen rhymes, it is good, if not, it is not. If the drawing looks realistic it is good , if it is abstract, it may not get much praise.
• Children also have little exposure to creativity. There are no art galleries in most small towns of India. The museums usually have Indian traditional arts and crafts except the museums in big cities. These city museums sometimes host contemporary art work.  If one looks around in public places in India, one can see only the crass movie posters, photoes of politicians, models advertising various products and the Hindu Gods. While in the west, even in public places, one  sees  all types of  beautiful & creative art work such as sculptures, graffitti-art, great sayings; there are beautifully designed gardens, aesthetically appealing sub-way stations, railway stations in the west. The names of the shops too are funny, creative, whimsical in the west and it is a pleasure, simply to read teh names of the shops one passes by. In the west, one sees creativity all around and it inspires one to be creative. I fail to see creativity in Indian public places...not  to the extent one sees in the west.
• While lack of money can stimulate creativity, in some instances,  it can also cause thought block and cut down creativity. When one has to always work within a budget...not just a money budget but also work within the constraints of limited things, limited time, it simply restricts creativity.
• Belief in superstitions and the interference of relegious beliefs is another major hinderence to creativity and explorations in India.  If one wants to design a house, you have the house owner, telling you that the door should not face that direction because it will bring bad luck, the toilet should be here and not there or he will have bad luck and loose money..... How the hell is the architect design an house with all htese instructions. The same goes in all areas of life. There are so many meaningless beliefs and superstitions, that when one tries to wrok within the narrow parameters allowed, one's creativity is almost completely stifled. Certain colours are not auspicious; certain times are not auspicious; certain things are unclean and cannot be used; the list goes on.
• Acceptance of truth is a must for any creative endevour. And most Indians are , sad to say, completely afraid of the truth. Appearences are a lot more important than truth. The hierarchy system in India makes it impossible for anyone lower in teh hierarchy to speak up about an unplesant truth especially to someone higher up than him in the hierarchy. This fear of the truth, prevents any sensible work from getting done....ergo, creativity is suffocated. For example, the current design of the road is causing a lot of accidents...it needs to be redesigned; but as the current design was made by a "chief engineer", no one has the guts to critize it and the road remains and teh accidents continue. Another example is of a mediocore artist getting space to exhibit her art work in a major gallery as she happens tobe the wife of a big-shot police officer; the gallery owner dare not refuse... a better artist does not get the space to exhibit as she has no connections;
• When a person without any sort of prestige comes up with creative solutions to a problem, it is not accepted....especially if the solution is totally out-of-the-box. It is rejected out-right. I have seen this happen to Ph.D scholars who have conservative guides. However even foolish solutions given by big-shots is accepted. fear of authority and the hierarchy is a major killer of not just creativity but so many other things in India.  I dont know if this is true but the late Sanjay Gandhi, son of Indira Gandhi had apparently suggested that forcing people to undergo vasectomy will help control the population of India and his suggestion was accepted! It lead to a lot of people being forcibly operated upon, even those who had not yet married and never had kids.
• The absence of language growth is another major and in my opinion  the biggest hinderence for development of creativity in India. Creativity is the expression of new ideas in any form be it an object, a new scientific invention, a poem or a story or an idea.  While some types of creativity do not need language for example the creation of a sculpture does not need language, language is vital to communicate about the creation. So many new ideas, inventions, art works have come into existence today that unless language keeps pace with the new things created, discovered and invented, it would be impossible to communicate about the new ideas and things. English keeps pace with the changes and new things and ideas coming into the world. But I cannot say the same for Indian languages. Indian languages are lagging so far behind, that I think we are now about 100 years behind English. When the computer was invented, English devised the new word computer, which is short, easy to pronounce and spell and a word, which conjures up the picture of the computer in one's mind(at least for those who have already seen or know what a computer is) . However in my language, there is no word for computer, if one were to be created, it would be long and difficult to pronounce, which would stop people from saying that word.  People who speak my language i.e. Kannada, now use English words when speaking as there are no words in Kannada for those objects.  Can you imagine the extent of the increasing dependence on English words when speaking in Kannada today!

People useEnglish words not only for  objects but even to convey ideas and nuances as they are unable to find the words in Kannada for them. Let me give an example. In fact, the absence of words in my language, the poor language ability of adults who do not even use the few words existing in Kannada to communicate in a rich nuanced way, makes the children suffer from an even  greater poverty of thought and ideas.
 If you ask an English speaking child about food it may say, "delicious" or "Yummy" or "tasty" or   "scrumptious" . If you ask a Kannada speaking child it will likely say "ru-chi-ya-gi-de" i.e. tasty or "che-nna-gi-de" which means nice. That's it. No other descriptions for good food in the Kannada language. In English, people use a million different adjectives or expressions to describe  a thousand things. The word, Chenna-gi-de i.e. nice is used as a substitute for a million adjectives and expressions in English each of which convey a million different nuances. See how much poorer the Kannada language is by using one word i.e. Chenna-gi-de for a million different naunces!
The dearth of words to express feelings in my language compared to the variety of words to express nuances of one single emotions is another thing which makes me wince with shame. Here is a list of words in Kannada  commonly used to indicate depression...bejaru, dukha, manassu-sari-illa, sankata. In this list, apart from Dukha, the others are words which are not used only for sadness but for other emotions too. Bejaru can mean bored, sankata may mean both sad and feeling physically ill or feeling queasy.  Now see this humungous  list of words for the varied nuances of sadness & depression in English:   unhappy, down, low, blue, depressed, gloomy, grieved, dismal, melancholy, somber, glum, wistful, mournful, dejected, downcast, grief-stricken, tearful, lugubrious, pensive, disconsolate, doleful, heavy-hearted, heart-broken, down in the dumps, cheerless, lachrymose, woebegone, down in the mouth,low-spirited, triste, sick at heart, moping, inconsolable,feeling bad, sorrowful,poignant,rueful and so on.
Another example of the richness of English language  is the paint section in any Home depot or Lowe's in USA or Canada. There are thousands of shades of colours and a name for each shade! I agree that the names make no sense to me but they do have a name for every single shade! and they have like ten thousad shades!!!
The huge poverty of  ideas, thoughts, expressions is made all the more apparent when I watch shows in English especially those on interior decoration in Canada and USA. I am constantly trying to translate from English to Kannada to convey the meaning of  what the decorater is saying in my language. I simply CANT! The Kannada translation is so absurd sounding, and does not convey the meaning or nuance at all. I am unable to translate and convey the appropriate meaning, of even the most simple phrases.  Let me give an example of what I cannot translate
Now imagine the lack of words, lack or expressions in Kannada language for the words in the branches of  medicine, engineering subjects, philosophy, ethics, sociology,  psychology, any field of the humanities or sciences. Translating a simple article in New York Times into Kannada is an impossible feat for a bilingual person, simply because the words or phrases  do not exist in Kannada. Once Proudly Web Only, Shopping Sites Hang Out Real Shingles is a title of an article I randomly picked from today's New York times.. I am simply unable to translate this title into Kannada in a way whichs conveys the right meaning while remaining crisp and elegant as this title in English.
This lack of  development (in Kannada and all other languages which are not growing like English) of  new words and lack of phrases  to contain and convey all the new ideas developed as we progress,  leads to a lack of ideas and this leads to decline and constriction of the thinking process and creativity.
Now imagine the fate of my village relatives who are not exposed to English, who know only Kannada and study in Kannada medium......imagine their fate in today's increasingly sophisticated world. Each day that passes adds new words and ideas in the English-speaking world and this leaves them farther and farther behind until a day comes when they may feel completely clueless and helpless to live in the modern world! I know English ...yet I feel clueless and helpless when I have to use a new computer or a camera or a cell phone. So imagine,  a major population of India who do not speak English---how they are getting left behind, farther and farther back, simply because they do not speak English. Forget creativity. They cannot even get by due to their lack of English.

The reason for writing this article......I have recently borrowed books from the TPL in the 500 series by Lark publications such as the 500 gemstone jewels, 500 ceramic sculptures, etc. I loved seeing the objects in these books and admired the creativity of the artists. I have not seen such unusual jewels or works of art except   on very few  people and in  museums.
 I was  depressed to realize, how unable I am to think out of the box or be creative. Growing up in India has made me think in such narrow conservative ways...To me, An object has to be functional; it has to be beautiful and my definition of beauty is pretty narrow; it has to be inexpensive; it has to be long-lasting. I simply cannot even think or create outside these parameters! Oh and one more narrow criteria of mine....the object has to be symmetrical. When I try to create something, so many things seem taboo in my mind that I end up doing nothing!

What did I learnt from the Lark series books about myself?  I became aware of  the several  blocks   in my brain, preventing me from being creative. I was thrilled to see jewels and objects which were  asymmetrical, yet attractive; things which were made from unusual materials such as a necklace made of  smooth river stones; a granite finger ring; things which were not functional such as a really pokey necklace or a breakable and delicate object; things which were not beautiful but simply unusual and so on.


 

When one looks at the thefts in India and Maslow's hierarchy of needs, one realizes how  most Indians are still  struggling   at the bottom rung of this hierarchy. It is unlikely the majority of Indians  will ever have the time, energy to strive towards the stuff at the top rungs of this hierarchy.

 The air in most cities is pretty polluted and falling sick;
there is a shortage of adequate housing and all the socio-psycho-economic-health-moral/ethical problems associated with crowding;
there is a severe shortage of drinking water in several parts of India and this problem is getting worse with the increase in population, failure of monsoons, depletion of ground water & poor storage of rain water;
Food shortage is severe in those sections of society who are economically deprived i.e. about 30-50% of the population.
Sexual crimes against women and children are horrendeously high in India, though most are  unreported due to the stigma and further victimization of the victims by society.

Sleep seems to be the only basic need which is not a major issue in India!