I have experiences with two sets of people (1) my clients who seek psychotherapy and (2)people in my life such as family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, relatives, random strangers.
Over years of people-interaction, formal study of psychology and work in mental health, I have come up with these mantras for peace of mind.
Accept yourself. Love yourself. Be comfortable with yourself, no matter what. This means:
it does not matter to you whether you are fat, thin, tall, short, blonde or African, educated or illiterate, a sweeper or a CEO. You accept yourself and love yourself.
I don't mean to say you accept yourself and be passive. You accept yourself and like yourself while simultaneously striving to learn more, keep trying to achieve what you want.
When I say accept yourself, I mean you accept yourself without beating yourself too much about what you perceive as faults. I mean accepting yourself without embarrassment. Without trying to impress others. Should you buy a suit you cant afford to impression others with your 'style' or 'success' ? NO.
Accept yourself also means
You don't feel the emotion, 'pride' when you think of yourself.
You don't 'suffer' the emotion of 'shame' when you think of yourself.
You are calm, you are neutral, you experience no intense emotion, when you think of yourself.
This kind of acceptance of self is difficult to achieve but I believe one should strive to achieve this for mental health.
(The Buddha said this two thousand years ago!)
Accept yourself without comparing yourself to others.
Comparing ourselves to others by either 'keeping up with the Jones' or looking down on the "ne'er-do-wells" is something many of us do, often, consciously or unconsciously.Some people start the 'judging mechanism' as soon as they meet someone! Their brain, automatically, compares the person to self and the outcome is either pride or envy. This means the comparison leads to unhappiness or happiness based not on what one achieved but simply by comparing and coming out on top.
Emotions swing like a crazed Yo-yo, if our happiness is dependent on 'us coming off on top when we compare ourselves with others' or our unhappiness comes from 'us not comparing well with others'. For example, You feel good because you are in a better job than your neighbour; you feel miserable because your classmate got better marks than you.
If you look at the above examples, you see that your emotions have NOTHING to do with your achievement or non-achievement. They are dependent on your neighbour's non-achievement or your class-mate's achievement, both of which you have no control over. If your emotions are affected by factors over which you have no control, imagine how helpless you are ? You are like a straw floating on a stormy river, being thrown this way and that, depending on the currents, not on yourself.
Why did I write this?
Someone I know spilt coffee on his jeans at work and wanted to drive back home to change. I disagree with this waste of time and gas(gas is a finite resource) completely! I would have either rinsed off the stain in the bathroom with a wet paper or if I had privacy, taken my jeans off and washed just the stained patch and worn it. It would dry with body heat in an hour when I continue working.
It struck me that in today's world, there seems to be such a neurotic need to 'look good' when at work and it's as if one cant sit at work for a day, if one has a coffee stain on the pants. A coffee stain is NOT a big deal to me but it seems to be a big deal to today's generation.
Similarly, I know of a lady who wants to meet me but does not want to invite me home as she does not feel comfortable showing her home to me! My advise to her, "Don't be shy about your apartment; Accept it. I am not going to judge. If your guests judge your apartment, shame on them, not you".
People should stop apologizing and start accepting themselves. I don't mean that a liar, a thief and a murderer should start accepting themselves and stop apologizing of course. Be ethical. Be moral. As long as you are ethical and moral, DO NOT, apologize about anything else. Accept yourself and love yourself. Don't be embarrassed. Don't be ashamed. Don't hide your true self.
Comparing yourself to others is a MEANINGLESS EXERCISE. Everyone is different. So it makes no sense to compare. What is the point in comparing apples to oranges?
We are different because each of us are unique;
EACH OF US are what they are because we have been forged by experiences, education, genetics, families, societies and cultures UNIQUE TO EACH OF US. Even siblings growing up in the same family, exposed to the same experiences, end up with different personalities and go on different trajectories in life. This is because, even in that micro-society called family, they had differing experiences which forged them differently.
Peace of mind comes from accepting yourself and your lot.
While some of us, face failure(and so unhappiness) because of we not 'hustling enough', many of us, face failure, because of factors not in our control. A big example(my friends and family) for this is the inability of brilliant Indian and Chinese scientists not able to get jobs in the USA, not because they did not work hard enough but due to factors beyond their control. While a few accept this with remarkable stoicism, many feel disheartened and their self-esteem seems to take a massive blow. This should not be!
They would have had peace of mind and their calm would remain unshaken if their sense of self-worth was not linked to their jobs.
