I may retire in ten to twelve years time. This forced quarantine due to corona is making me wonder if I can cope with retirement!
I have been home, sick, from 13th to 19th. During that time, I watched endless TV (shows on Netflix, Crave, Bell) and fortunately restarted work before I went crazy. I have about 5000 books at home, many of which I have not read, but either due to my illness or whatever, I did not feel like reading them. I had tons of work to do at home such as cleaning, laundry, etc but due to 'no mood' and physical weakness, I did not feel like doing anything. Not even things which don't need much effort.
I called and chatted with a few friends but not all. I have no hobbies or interests which are "useful" or where I "learn" or use a skill. I don't think I will ever be motivated to do volunteer work. Not for now at least. So how am I going to deal with retirement?
When I was younger, I never even considered that a day will come, when I will have to retire. I was too busy with my studies and then the anxiety of whether I will get a job, get married, have enough money, anxiety about my family member and so on. Now that those anxieties have subsided, it's nearing retirement time.
For a few months (or maybe years) I ruminated about retirement when I was frustrated at work or with life. Thinking of retirement at those moments felt really good. It was something to look forward to. I would imagine a life with even less discipline than now. I day-dreamed of waking up late or not at all; eating breakfast at a diner followed by a visit to the library or walk round the mall. Spending time reading a book in the garden under a shady tree. Subscribing to many shows such as HBO, Amazon prime, etc and watching endless TV; Subscribing to magazines. Travelling. Spending time in my favorite cities such as London or New York; Bangalore or beach towns. Reading philosophy. Catching up on all my favorite shows I wanted to see but did not have the time to. Enrolling in some courses. Trying weed ... to hell with what effect it has on my aging brain!
But the boredom I experienced, when doing these activities during last week's quarantine-time at home opened my eyes. "Wanting" to try these and "waiting" for retirement to try these things is a lot more fun than actually having the time to try out these activities. The long unbroken stretch of free time (one week) has not been a blessing but actually been pretty tedious.
I need goals and I need to experience that slight bit of anxiety to actually appreciate and enjoy life.
With regard to being with people when I retire, there are very few people I actually want to spend time with, either now or when I retire. I seem to have little in common with my family, friends, neighbours, colleagues from both India and Canada. There are only a handful of people I can "enjoyably" spend large amounts of time. I seem to have grown apart in thinking, attitudes, likes and dislikes from most of them. Also I am experiencing lesser need for being with people than I did in the past. No. I am not depressed. I am happy interacting with few people and happy with my own company. I don't seem to need the friendship of a lot of people to be happy.
I do know I have less ambition than most of my peers. Maybe less passion too. I wonder if that explains my lack of goals. Or am I nihilistic? Life to me seems like an endless passage of days and nights which we try to fill up with things to do until we die. For some reason, most of us do not want to die but continue to life through this infinite and endless passage of days and nights, trying our best to get what we like (pleasure) and trying even harder to avoid what we don't like (pain).
We get older, the body weakens and slows down...so we find things harder to do and perhaps, we are getting lesser pleasure out of life than before ( because we have seen and done most things before...the novelty has worn off or we have become jaded or ...not). Yet, most people do not want to die now or would prefer to die later. Most people do not see life as an endless cycle of days and nights, which they try 'their best' to fill up with endless activities that give pleasure or avoid pain. When they are done with one goal they move on to the next; when they are done with one pleasure they want the next one. There is no end to their wanting and this wanting makes us want to continue life forever.
I don't want to die for the sake of dying. I don't want to die to "put an end to these countless days of the future". I want to find something meaningful to do each day. I want activities, whatever they are, to be exciting till the day I die. I do not want to live beyond the point when I am not able to find any activity interesting. I do not want to live beyond the point when "everything is boring but I got to do something and got to do things to stay alive". What's the point of staying alive when you don't find anything exciting or interesting enough to stay alive for?
And this point of not finding things exciting, this point of feeling jaded...I am seeing this in such young people these days! I am shocked, when I see youngsters who do not find anything exciting and seem to lose interest in things after a brief while...even before they complete the activity. They seem to be constantly seeking things which are 'fun' or exciting for them...be it a new set of clothes, makeup, game, movie, restaurant, place to visit, whatever...they are bored easily and want to move on. This really saddens me 'for' them. If they are so jaded in their twenties, how are they going to go through the next 5-6 decades of their life?
If you, dear reader, think I am depressed when writing this, rest assured that I am not! Today is March 21, 2020 morning. I am waiting with eager anticipation to eat the masala dosa my husband is going to make now; then watching twin peaks on TV ( a weird bizarre show but still got me hooked to it!). Then I got to make chitranna as I want to taste something sour after this week-long sore throat, etc did a number on my taste buds.
I have been home, sick, from 13th to 19th. During that time, I watched endless TV (shows on Netflix, Crave, Bell) and fortunately restarted work before I went crazy. I have about 5000 books at home, many of which I have not read, but either due to my illness or whatever, I did not feel like reading them. I had tons of work to do at home such as cleaning, laundry, etc but due to 'no mood' and physical weakness, I did not feel like doing anything. Not even things which don't need much effort.
I called and chatted with a few friends but not all. I have no hobbies or interests which are "useful" or where I "learn" or use a skill. I don't think I will ever be motivated to do volunteer work. Not for now at least. So how am I going to deal with retirement?
When I was younger, I never even considered that a day will come, when I will have to retire. I was too busy with my studies and then the anxiety of whether I will get a job, get married, have enough money, anxiety about my family member and so on. Now that those anxieties have subsided, it's nearing retirement time.
For a few months (or maybe years) I ruminated about retirement when I was frustrated at work or with life. Thinking of retirement at those moments felt really good. It was something to look forward to. I would imagine a life with even less discipline than now. I day-dreamed of waking up late or not at all; eating breakfast at a diner followed by a visit to the library or walk round the mall. Spending time reading a book in the garden under a shady tree. Subscribing to many shows such as HBO, Amazon prime, etc and watching endless TV; Subscribing to magazines. Travelling. Spending time in my favorite cities such as London or New York; Bangalore or beach towns. Reading philosophy. Catching up on all my favorite shows I wanted to see but did not have the time to. Enrolling in some courses. Trying weed ... to hell with what effect it has on my aging brain!
But the boredom I experienced, when doing these activities during last week's quarantine-time at home opened my eyes. "Wanting" to try these and "waiting" for retirement to try these things is a lot more fun than actually having the time to try out these activities. The long unbroken stretch of free time (one week) has not been a blessing but actually been pretty tedious.
I need goals and I need to experience that slight bit of anxiety to actually appreciate and enjoy life.
With regard to being with people when I retire, there are very few people I actually want to spend time with, either now or when I retire. I seem to have little in common with my family, friends, neighbours, colleagues from both India and Canada. There are only a handful of people I can "enjoyably" spend large amounts of time. I seem to have grown apart in thinking, attitudes, likes and dislikes from most of them. Also I am experiencing lesser need for being with people than I did in the past. No. I am not depressed. I am happy interacting with few people and happy with my own company. I don't seem to need the friendship of a lot of people to be happy.
I do know I have less ambition than most of my peers. Maybe less passion too. I wonder if that explains my lack of goals. Or am I nihilistic? Life to me seems like an endless passage of days and nights which we try to fill up with things to do until we die. For some reason, most of us do not want to die but continue to life through this infinite and endless passage of days and nights, trying our best to get what we like (pleasure) and trying even harder to avoid what we don't like (pain).
We get older, the body weakens and slows down...so we find things harder to do and perhaps, we are getting lesser pleasure out of life than before ( because we have seen and done most things before...the novelty has worn off or we have become jaded or ...not). Yet, most people do not want to die now or would prefer to die later. Most people do not see life as an endless cycle of days and nights, which they try 'their best' to fill up with endless activities that give pleasure or avoid pain. When they are done with one goal they move on to the next; when they are done with one pleasure they want the next one. There is no end to their wanting and this wanting makes us want to continue life forever.
I don't want to die for the sake of dying. I don't want to die to "put an end to these countless days of the future". I want to find something meaningful to do each day. I want activities, whatever they are, to be exciting till the day I die. I do not want to live beyond the point when I am not able to find any activity interesting. I do not want to live beyond the point when "everything is boring but I got to do something and got to do things to stay alive". What's the point of staying alive when you don't find anything exciting or interesting enough to stay alive for?
And this point of not finding things exciting, this point of feeling jaded...I am seeing this in such young people these days! I am shocked, when I see youngsters who do not find anything exciting and seem to lose interest in things after a brief while...even before they complete the activity. They seem to be constantly seeking things which are 'fun' or exciting for them...be it a new set of clothes, makeup, game, movie, restaurant, place to visit, whatever...they are bored easily and want to move on. This really saddens me 'for' them. If they are so jaded in their twenties, how are they going to go through the next 5-6 decades of their life?
If you, dear reader, think I am depressed when writing this, rest assured that I am not! Today is March 21, 2020 morning. I am waiting with eager anticipation to eat the masala dosa my husband is going to make now; then watching twin peaks on TV ( a weird bizarre show but still got me hooked to it!). Then I got to make chitranna as I want to taste something sour after this week-long sore throat, etc did a number on my taste buds.
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