It is only today the full truth of the saying. "Home is where the heart is" struck me.
I have two dear friends...one is a Keralite lady, now living in Delhi. The other is a Goan who lived in Bangalore for over 40 years and now moved to a seniors residence on the outskirts of Mysore.
Both women own beautiful houses. The Keralite has a beautiful house, surrounded by trees in a quiet posh residential area in Cochin. Architect-designed, it's airy and full of natural light. One can see the flowers in the trees outside; hear the birds through the windows; stroll through the garden; I simply love this house and the quiet area around it.
My Goan friend, sold her flat in Bangalore(despite my protests) and moved to this outskirts of Mysore as it was the only place she could afford...she would have loved to live in an old age home in Bangalore if she could have afforded. She lives with other senior residents whose profile is middle/upper middle class, educated, retired, professional.
The Keralite moved to Delhi, as she got a job there. She's rented out the Cochin house. When I asked if she's feeling sad to move from her beautiful home, she said, she's happy to leave Kerala as she simply didn't feel at home there. That her 'thinking' is quite different from that of her neighbors and she has nothing in common with them! I was shocked to hear this. I could only see the parallels between her and her neighbours...educated, professionals, well-travelled, etc. But she said that the education and 'being in professions such as doctors, lawyers and engineers' has still not changed their narrow-minded small-town mentality and attitudes towards women, etc. That she is thrilled to be moving out. That this is only a house, however beautiful it is. That she feels more at home in a big city as the people's mentality is different and more like hers.
The Goan who left Bangalore to Mysore outskirts is also highly educated and has moved in army circles her entire life, since childhood. She's been exposed to army culture since birth as both her dad and husband were in the armed forces. It was a rather dismaying culture shock for her to discover the attitudes of the people she's now living with after moving to this old age residence. She's shocked that people with 'education' can carry such bigotry in their minds. One example she gave me of their bigotry is their talk about religion at the dining table at night. My friend has literally lived in the Indian armed forces all her life, where no one thinks of 'religion'. And to hear people at the dining table pass disparaging remarks about certain religions was appalling to listen to. Especially from these so-called "educated" people!
Thinking over these two women's experiences, I realize that 'feeling at home where we live' is vital. "Owning" or "living" in a beautiful palace is nothing compared to feeling at home.
Indian women who traditionally 'go where the husband goes' have had to adapt to different and new places, peoples and cultures. If they can get along it's a blessing; if not, they have no choice but to suck it up! Its difficult for thousands of women(and men and children too) who are forced by circumstances to live in places where they don't feel at home. Here are a few examples.
Women who have to move from one village, town, city, state or country to another because one got married and had to go live in the husband's house. Women married to men in 'government jobs' where the husband gets 'transferred' to another job in another city or place. If working for the state government the transfer is across one state but if working for the 'central government' the transfer could be across India. People pray, plead and bribe to stay in 'good cities' and avoid being transferred to remote underdeveloped places. It's a nightmare for the children who have to 'learn' a new language in schools if their dad is transferred to a new state. Women have to learn to get along in a new place, and God save them if the husband gets transferred to a place where the local attitudes towards women is more primitive than she was used to!
A relative of mine had to 'dress down' i.e. give up wearing 'modern clothes such as jeans and skirts and dress very conservatively so as to avoid being commented on or leered at when her husband was transferred to a small town with primitive mentality folks. Her life was both boring and terrible in those towns. In some families, the wife stays in a city with 'good schools' so that the children are not uprooted and have to join new schools each time the dad gets 'transferred'. This has it's own problems such as children growing up without father, cost of running tow households, and so on.
Even moving from a more 'modern village' to a less modern village, barely 30 miles away can be a huge transition to the women who are forced to move due to marriage. I know of daughters from a rich farmer's family( by rich I mean he has a toilet built in his house) who married into a poor family and hated the transition of using the lavatory at dad's home to going to the fields before sunrise with water to wash bum after passing it in husband's home!
I have seen many girls refuse 'good' offers of marriage as they could not stomach the thought of living in smaller towns than they were used to or moving to a different city.
Especially sad is the plight of highly educated, 'modern-thinking' women married to men serving in high office (judges, college professors, IAS officers, district officials, magistrates, police officers, etc), serving in small towns in the culturally backward areas of India. The women are literally fish out of water. While the men can pass time working, their wives are virtually prisoners at home. Things are different than they were 30 years ago. Now there is internet and cable but still, making friends and getting along with the local people, who have a completely different mind-set can be challenging.
Moving from a smaller place to a bigger place is easier than moving from a big place to a small town...in my opinion. I moved from Bangalore to Toronto and I am happy as there is no small town mentality and attitudes for me to cope with in Toronto. In fact, Bangalore people have to change and become more modern in their outlook is what I feel. I feel at home here in Toronto.
If I am being completely honest, I feel I swim from one group to another for different needs. I still haven't found any "one" group of people who is 100% of my mind-set with whom I feel completely at home. Some parts of me have changed and adapted to Canada and I feel at home with Canadians regarding those issues; some parts of me is still Indian and I need to be with Indians to feel at home about those things. I am yet to find a place, where I am one hundred percent at home. New York? Miami? San Diego? Bombay? Madras? Paris? London? Don's know yet.
I have two dear friends...one is a Keralite lady, now living in Delhi. The other is a Goan who lived in Bangalore for over 40 years and now moved to a seniors residence on the outskirts of Mysore.
Both women own beautiful houses. The Keralite has a beautiful house, surrounded by trees in a quiet posh residential area in Cochin. Architect-designed, it's airy and full of natural light. One can see the flowers in the trees outside; hear the birds through the windows; stroll through the garden; I simply love this house and the quiet area around it.
My Goan friend, sold her flat in Bangalore(despite my protests) and moved to this outskirts of Mysore as it was the only place she could afford...she would have loved to live in an old age home in Bangalore if she could have afforded. She lives with other senior residents whose profile is middle/upper middle class, educated, retired, professional.
The Keralite moved to Delhi, as she got a job there. She's rented out the Cochin house. When I asked if she's feeling sad to move from her beautiful home, she said, she's happy to leave Kerala as she simply didn't feel at home there. That her 'thinking' is quite different from that of her neighbors and she has nothing in common with them! I was shocked to hear this. I could only see the parallels between her and her neighbours...educated, professionals, well-travelled, etc. But she said that the education and 'being in professions such as doctors, lawyers and engineers' has still not changed their narrow-minded small-town mentality and attitudes towards women, etc. That she is thrilled to be moving out. That this is only a house, however beautiful it is. That she feels more at home in a big city as the people's mentality is different and more like hers.
The Goan who left Bangalore to Mysore outskirts is also highly educated and has moved in army circles her entire life, since childhood. She's been exposed to army culture since birth as both her dad and husband were in the armed forces. It was a rather dismaying culture shock for her to discover the attitudes of the people she's now living with after moving to this old age residence. She's shocked that people with 'education' can carry such bigotry in their minds. One example she gave me of their bigotry is their talk about religion at the dining table at night. My friend has literally lived in the Indian armed forces all her life, where no one thinks of 'religion'. And to hear people at the dining table pass disparaging remarks about certain religions was appalling to listen to. Especially from these so-called "educated" people!
Thinking over these two women's experiences, I realize that 'feeling at home where we live' is vital. "Owning" or "living" in a beautiful palace is nothing compared to feeling at home.
Indian women who traditionally 'go where the husband goes' have had to adapt to different and new places, peoples and cultures. If they can get along it's a blessing; if not, they have no choice but to suck it up! Its difficult for thousands of women(and men and children too) who are forced by circumstances to live in places where they don't feel at home. Here are a few examples.
Women who have to move from one village, town, city, state or country to another because one got married and had to go live in the husband's house. Women married to men in 'government jobs' where the husband gets 'transferred' to another job in another city or place. If working for the state government the transfer is across one state but if working for the 'central government' the transfer could be across India. People pray, plead and bribe to stay in 'good cities' and avoid being transferred to remote underdeveloped places. It's a nightmare for the children who have to 'learn' a new language in schools if their dad is transferred to a new state. Women have to learn to get along in a new place, and God save them if the husband gets transferred to a place where the local attitudes towards women is more primitive than she was used to!
A relative of mine had to 'dress down' i.e. give up wearing 'modern clothes such as jeans and skirts and dress very conservatively so as to avoid being commented on or leered at when her husband was transferred to a small town with primitive mentality folks. Her life was both boring and terrible in those towns. In some families, the wife stays in a city with 'good schools' so that the children are not uprooted and have to join new schools each time the dad gets 'transferred'. This has it's own problems such as children growing up without father, cost of running tow households, and so on.
Even moving from a more 'modern village' to a less modern village, barely 30 miles away can be a huge transition to the women who are forced to move due to marriage. I know of daughters from a rich farmer's family( by rich I mean he has a toilet built in his house) who married into a poor family and hated the transition of using the lavatory at dad's home to going to the fields before sunrise with water to wash bum after passing it in husband's home!
I have seen many girls refuse 'good' offers of marriage as they could not stomach the thought of living in smaller towns than they were used to or moving to a different city.
Especially sad is the plight of highly educated, 'modern-thinking' women married to men serving in high office (judges, college professors, IAS officers, district officials, magistrates, police officers, etc), serving in small towns in the culturally backward areas of India. The women are literally fish out of water. While the men can pass time working, their wives are virtually prisoners at home. Things are different than they were 30 years ago. Now there is internet and cable but still, making friends and getting along with the local people, who have a completely different mind-set can be challenging.
Moving from a smaller place to a bigger place is easier than moving from a big place to a small town...in my opinion. I moved from Bangalore to Toronto and I am happy as there is no small town mentality and attitudes for me to cope with in Toronto. In fact, Bangalore people have to change and become more modern in their outlook is what I feel. I feel at home here in Toronto.
If I am being completely honest, I feel I swim from one group to another for different needs. I still haven't found any "one" group of people who is 100% of my mind-set with whom I feel completely at home. Some parts of me have changed and adapted to Canada and I feel at home with Canadians regarding those issues; some parts of me is still Indian and I need to be with Indians to feel at home about those things. I am yet to find a place, where I am one hundred percent at home. New York? Miami? San Diego? Bombay? Madras? Paris? London? Don's know yet.
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