I came across the article below and realized that "Ecological grief"is what I experienced all these years as I watched/watching the huge ecological, environmental changes happening in India.
Now I finally found the right label to name the riot of emotions that go through me and which I shared with but a few.
Here are a couple of those experiences.
I refuse to go to my farm and village as I cannot bear to see the changes which have happened in recent years. I don't want the image of my farm to be wiped out by the current changes. My sisters told me that there is now a highway going right in the middle of our fields. Our fields was once a peaceful place, where one could feel the mid-day heat and the humidity rising from the wet, wet wet paddy fields in the silence broken only by the rustle of the peepul leaves, the birds and the water gushing from the pumpsets.
Each time my mother tries to discuss about our farm, I feel so disturbed that I cut her off and ask her to change the topic and literally yell if she persists. I now realize that it's not anger but grief.
Each time I see photos of wild animals such as elephants, tigers, I quickly scroll down to avoid seeing the photos. Just seeing those photos, even if they are 'happy photos', triggers memories of articles I have read or news I have heard of these animals being hunted, trapped and killed. It disturbs me so much that I want to keep all thoughts, memories out of my mind.
Visiting India is fine until my rage, grief, sadness, frustration about animals is triggered by any sight of stray dogs or stray dogs being beaten or teased or stoned by children and even adults. These sights leave me an emotional mess for hours or days. The deplorable thing is that no one else feels what I feel and think I am 'over-reacting' and ask if I am crazy. So I have to bottle what I feel and fake calmness and 'go with the flow', while I am seething inside.
These waves of sadness and grief come over me even if I think of the creatures I had seen daily in my childhood and which are no longer around now...due to the rampant growth of human population which is simply wiping out all plants, animals, insects, reptiles in it's way. When I grew up there were house geckos and dotted salamanders on the ceiling of my bedroom. Now there are none. I woke up to the sound of sparrows. Now there are hardly any sparrows in Bangalore. The high-pitched screams of the striped squirrels in the afternoon as we slept after the Sunday lunch was an accepted reality of my childhood days, Now, I neither see nor hear any squirrels. Where are the trees for them to feed on, climb, play, chase each other, mate, breed and live in? The whole area is full of high rise houses , no trees in any of the houses as every inch has been cemented over. The government has tarred the land outside the house (for roads)and the trees growing outside are dying...I think they are dying as the roots, even if they go deep enough, are thirsty as ground water is depleted in Bangalore due to everyone digging a borewell in his house while the land is cemented over with houses and houses and the rain waner has no chance to seep into the ground. The squirrels and other tree dwellers such as birds and insects don't have a chance in Bangalore.
I drove by purple moorhens in the Puttenhalli tank as I went home daily(late 90s after I moved to Konanakunte). I don't see those moor hens anymore. There were cement-grey lizards and bright orange chameleons and the wet-looking skinks in the garden at my house in Rajajinagar, west of chord road, in the 70s and 80s. Now: NONE. I had seen weaverbird nests just on the outskirts of Bangalore and now it's been built over and I bet the poor birds have disappeared. I had seen those harmless black ants in my kitchen, swarming around the sugar tin and spilled sugar. Now every house of my family and friends is free of any living creature than people. I would hear, probably from the gutters and the garden the loud croaking of mating frogs after rains in Bangalore in the 70s. Now all one hears is traffic. I remember the thrill I had felt when a tailor bird had stitched a nest in the leaves of the brinjal plant in my garden just outside our garage. I bet you, there are no more tailor birds around in Bangalore. People don't want gardens at home anymore. , They want 'lots of rent-money' by building up every square inch on their plot of land. Cobras had come into my home, after rains and had to be chased out. Now there are no snakes in the city as the earth has been completely taken over by humans. The most exciting discovery for me was spotting two deer in the GKVK campus in the 80s. Another exciting discovery which thrilled me was spotting the paradise fly-catcher with it's long lovely tail wings, in the Hebbal campus of the agriculture university in the 90s. The present ring road, traffic, noise, air pollution , the taking ove of the land by the government to build roads, buildings, sale of the university land by the corrupt or weak university officials yielding to the corrupt ministers pressures has wiped out these paradise fly catchers and God knows how many other birds, insects, plants, animals and umpteen fish in the Hebbal tank. I would see those shiny fluorescent green beetles in my arden and butterflies too in my childhood. I would watch them going about their business. I recall my dad explaining to me about a large black beetle being an insect which destroys wood and trees. I also recall the butterflies in my garden flitting form flower to flower. I recall hearing the bees buzzing around the hibiscus flowers and have a vague memory of a hive (Or am I imagining the hive...a false memory due to nostalgia?)
I drove by purple moorhens in the Puttenhalli tank as I went home daily(late 90s after I moved to Konanakunte). I don't see those moor hens anymore. There were cement-grey lizards and bright orange chameleons and the wet-looking skinks in the garden at my house in Rajajinagar, west of chord road, in the 70s and 80s. Now: NONE. I had seen weaverbird nests just on the outskirts of Bangalore and now it's been built over and I bet the poor birds have disappeared. I had seen those harmless black ants in my kitchen, swarming around the sugar tin and spilled sugar. Now every house of my family and friends is free of any living creature than people. I would hear, probably from the gutters and the garden the loud croaking of mating frogs after rains in Bangalore in the 70s. Now all one hears is traffic. I remember the thrill I had felt when a tailor bird had stitched a nest in the leaves of the brinjal plant in my garden just outside our garage. I bet you, there are no more tailor birds around in Bangalore. People don't want gardens at home anymore. , They want 'lots of rent-money' by building up every square inch on their plot of land. Cobras had come into my home, after rains and had to be chased out. Now there are no snakes in the city as the earth has been completely taken over by humans. The most exciting discovery for me was spotting two deer in the GKVK campus in the 80s. Another exciting discovery which thrilled me was spotting the paradise fly-catcher with it's long lovely tail wings, in the Hebbal campus of the agriculture university in the 90s. The present ring road, traffic, noise, air pollution , the taking ove of the land by the government to build roads, buildings, sale of the university land by the corrupt or weak university officials yielding to the corrupt ministers pressures has wiped out these paradise fly catchers and God knows how many other birds, insects, plants, animals and umpteen fish in the Hebbal tank. I would see those shiny fluorescent green beetles in my arden and butterflies too in my childhood. I would watch them going about their business. I recall my dad explaining to me about a large black beetle being an insect which destroys wood and trees. I also recall the butterflies in my garden flitting form flower to flower. I recall hearing the bees buzzing around the hibiscus flowers and have a vague memory of a hive (Or am I imagining the hive...a false memory due to nostalgia?)
I pray to God that there is some ethical and painless way for the human population in the world reduce by 90% in the next 100 years and the earth go back to all other living things than human beings. Would the earth repair itself and all other living things thrive in the absence of human? I am sure it will. I dont think the earth needs us to fix it. Our mere absence will fix it.
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