HIV TESTING TO BE MANDATORY FOR MARRIAGE...MY WISH

 A TRUE, sad story: Recently a young lady, of  Indian origin who is also a Canadian citizen, flew to India and got married to a guy; this was an arranged marriage. She did not know much about this guy at time of marriage as  is common in arranged marriages.

The mandatory medical test to come to Canada revealed that he's HIV positive.  Only because he was mandated to inform her, he disclosed that he has HIV to his new wife. And in what a way! He accused her of sleeping around in Canada and claimed that he got it from her!

There is more to this gruesome story....she  discovered after the wedding that he's gay ...his parents either don't know he's gay or chose to  believe that if they get him married he will become 'okay'.

Not only was he HIV positive and kept it a secret and infected her; not only is he gay; he was also violent with her, days after the wedding!

Now this lady has to deal with a future 

• where she's having this deadly disease
• Decide how to  deal with this guy... remain married? Apply for annulment of marriage? Do nothing? Charge him? No. He's already accusing her.
• What about  kids? She's the typical Indian bride who was looking forward to having a kid/kids. Now what? Will she ever have kids? With whom? Would the fetus be infected because she is? What would it's life be like? The medical costs?  
• The life-long medical costs of HIV
• Inability to get re-married...How easy is it to get someone willing to live with or marry a HIV person?
• Deal with the stigma of being HIV positive..the stigma is a huge thing in India
• The depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness she's going through since her world came crashing down, a few days after her wedding
• Would her parents support her emotionally and in all other ways? Would they take responsibility for screwing her life by not doing due diligence when they found this asshole and got him married to their daughter? Even if they take responsibility, what does that even mean? Her life remains damaged.

• My questions to all women who enter arranged marriages :
•  HOW THE HELL DO YOU SLEEP WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER? He may be your husband now,  but you knew next to nothing about him until recently! You did not know he existed until two months ago when your wedding was fixed with him! 
• HOW THE HELL CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT A COMPLETE STRANGER, FOUND BY YOUR FAMILY (OR INTERNET) CAN BE A SUITABLE LIFE PARTNER FOR YOU? 
• You are on your best behaviour when you meet for the first time...You dress your best...You conceal rather than reveal your flaws....why the hell can't you realize that the guy you are seeing is also doing the same. The side you see when the prospective groom comes to meet you is not his usual side or his real side. 
• Why can't women try to check out the guy thoroughly before jumping into wedlock???

I spoke to a relative who works in the Karnataka government and deals with this in her job. She says the misery caused by HIV, the stigma and the victimization of women in India is appalling.

The typical scene is this in many of the villages she works in.

Guys go to prostitutes at young age especially in rural areas. HIV is spreading like wildfire in India due to many reasons, not the least being indifference of the government and corruption. The guys get infected as they dont want to use condoms as they dont get enough pleasure with the condom on. 
Ignorance is huge in India, even among the educated. When working in an Indian hospital, I remember a guy who was a bachelor who was shocked when he was told  he's HIV positive. He told me, "Madam. I dont know how I got this. I never go to prostitutes. I go only to 'decent' housewives! I did not know whether to laugh or cry.

The typical story in many south Indian villages is this. Guy gets HIV. Dies of AIDS after a few years at a young age. The wife is blamed and harassed and even physically assaulted. She is kicked out of her husband's house and often her parents don't take her in as they cannot or will not. The woman is chased out of the husband's house, not because the in-laws truly believe that she is the one who infected their son. They spread this false rumor and chase her out, so they do not have to give their son's share of the ancestral property to her or her kids. It is nearly impossible for these women to make a living standing on their own feet even if they have the skills and the grit. Indian society is heavily loaded against women...they are underpaid, sexually exploited, harassed, especially in rural areas and even the police or the judiciary are corrupt and pro-men, pro-upperclass, pro-uppercastes, pro-harassers.

My request to Indian women entering arranged marriages in India or anywhere: get the guy to be tested for HIV before marriage

Ask him directly if he's gay ; ask if he's marrying you because his parents are forcing him; ask if he's in love with someone else and marrying her only because he does not have the balls to tell the truth to his parents. In India, gay men conceal their gayness extremely well as there is a stigma to being gay and it's also recognized as a 'crime' by the police. Gaydor does not work in India. 

Indian gay men, marry women for many reasons. They can shut their families up by getting married. 

Once they have a wife and kids, they can hang out with their 'best friend' freely and not be suspected of being gay. 

The wife will take care of their parents, do the housework. Many women don't speak up as they fear that they will not be believed, which is true. Some eventually speak up when the in-laws harass her by calling  her 'barren' for not having a child yet' .

Parents have no qualms asking for the date and time of birth of the prospective bride or groom to  check on the horoscopes; some even have the courage to ask for the degree certificates to make sure he or she is not scamming them about the education. Some rich folks hire detectives to check if the guy is really working as a senior manager in an IT firm as he claimed. When the parents are willing to go to such lengths to ensure the guy or girl is okay,  why do they baulk at asking for a HIV test before fixing the wedding or engagement? 

Some of the absolutely stupid comments I have heard from educated Indians (by educated I mean at least a bachelor's degree in engineering, commerce, arts, etc or even a masters degree) about HIV & AIDS.

"He looks decent; I don't think he will have STD."

"He comes from a good family. He will definitely not have STD. I can guarantee that."

"He is a brahmin. No way, will he ever have STD".

"He is rich; even if he goes to prostitutes, he will go to 'classy' ones; he will never get HIV".

They are making the above comments not about people they know well, but people, whom they barely know!

The Indian government should decriminalize being gay.

The Indian government should make HIV testing before every marriage mandatory. Testing should be free for the poor. If I could, I would ask for testing every year or every six months for every Indian adult male over 13 years of age, but I know that will not happen. 

Many famous Indians have died of AIDS! The  Indian rich such as politicians, actors and business men reportedly die of 'illness' or have died of 'heart attack'; It's never ever reported that they led a debaucherous life and died of AIDS.& it's complications. 

I do know that if I have HIV, it's my business and I need not go around telling people. But in India, the HIV & AIDS patients do not even tell their sexual partners and that is what I hate. It's not merely cheating but murdering them by a slow death...they lose not only health and life but have to deal with the stigma, shame, loss of respect, money, getting kicked out and shunned by everyone, etc. It's a fate worse than actual death or the health complications. 

You my dear reader may wonder why I am not blaming women in India for the spread of HIV.  If you go to India and see how women often women get HIV from their husbands, you will realize why I am not blaming women at all. Even the prostitutes, if you see how they ended up in that profession, you will sympathize with them and not blame them...even if they end up giving HIV to many many men. Men refuse to wear condoms; if a prostitute insists he use a condom, he will simply walk to another prostitute who will indulge him; the one who insists on condoms will have to starve. 

The prostitutes have little or no means of earning a living doing something else. India's population is so much that getting a decent paid job enough to support yourself is impossible for women with little education and little or no family/community/government support.