Recalling my childhood days, I have decided that the happiest moments of childhood were when I was reading the Ladybird books for children in the Malleshwaram City Central Library on ? Margosa road or ?Sampige road in the 70s. This library had a large space in front of it (If I remember right, the library was facing the large space of it's own backyard and not the street in front.) These ladybird books had the loveliest illustrations and to this day they remain a great favorite of mine. The books I read included Snowwhite and Rosered, Rapunzel, Sleeping beauty, Cinderella, Dick Whittington & his cat, amongst several others. These stories are available in many many forms such as, as a story in an English text book in schools; in a book of stories for children without illustrations and in illustrated story books for children. These stories have also been illustrated in a myriad different styles in different publications; the Ladybird publication house itself, has republished the same stories with new styles of illustrations over the years. However it is only this particular artwork which could put me in a trance!
I discovered through googling, that Vera Southgate was the writer and Eric Winter was the illustrator of these lovely pictures. These books have one page of writing followed by one page of art work illustrating the story and these books mesmerized me as a child. The illustrations were the best part of the books for me. As a child in 70s India, I , of course, did not know a thing about hard-bound books or soft bound books, or what a font or font size is or about the texture of pages of books. Yet, I think I unconsciously also appreciated the fact that the books were hardbound; the size and weight of these books were ideal for a child; the font, the size of the font, the textures of the pages( I remember the texture, now, after more than 35 years!!) were just perfect. I would literally go into a trance when I read these books. I read these books over and over again, staring for endless hours at the illustrations and daydreaming. I especially loved the ? water colour paintings of cottages (roof covered with thatch/hay) in the middle of the forest which is depicted in many of the stories such as Snowwhite and Rosered, I loved the paintings of the gardens (The witch's garden in Rapunzel) in some books. To me the art work depicted the picture of an ideal, perfect and beautiful world, somewhere out there in England, where I could not go but only dream off. I simply cannot describe the rapture I felt, while gazing at these illustrations! At that young age, I actually believed that these stories truly happened and that the places and people and animals did look like it did in the art-work! Those fairy tales seemed to be happening in some heavenly place and I was in Heaven when I read those books. The clothes of the princes and princesses, the palaces, the illustration of the weeping willow tree in one of these books, the forest in which Red Ridinghood walked are unforgettable. I wonder if the impact of the illustrations on me would have been different if they were in oils instead of water colors. Who knows? Later I saw several other books and the newer Ladybird book editions of the same stories but none of them were as attractive to me to read as the ones illustrated by Eric Winter. Now when I google, I do see, new illustrations done in various styles such as in Manga style, but they do not enrapture me. I wish the illustrations had never changed but then, who can prevent change? It is as unstoppable as the passage of time!
My heartfelt gratitude to Eric Winter, who I was sad to discover is dead.
Here are links to the pictures of the book covers of those books.
Just a while ago, I was bemoaning the fact that certain plants, birds, insects, I grew up with in Bangalore are now missing. One of the plants I mentioned was the tumbe hoovu(Leucas aspera-common Leucas) I was surprised and happy to see the Tumbe Hoovu plant, being sold at Toronto's Canadian Super Store today(June 3rd 2012) in their gardening section. This store was selling the red Tumbe Hoovu plant i.e. the Salvia Coccinea and not the white or pink flower ones, common in Bangalore, in the past. Years ago, the red Tumbe Hoovu was rare in Bangalore, while the pink flowers were commonly seen in house gardens. The white Tumbe flowers(Leucas Aspera) grew wild, in empty lots, farm lands and at times in homes. This white flower was supposed to be a favorite of Lord
Shiva! (Any wild flower, which are not popular was supposedly
liked by Shiva. I wonder why? Even the flower of the milk weed is
supposeldy a Shiva favorite. Are the unwanted, unpopular less beautiful, common things liked by Shiva...Like ashes, Bilva leaves, Tumbe flowers, snakes, etc) The botanical name for the two flowers are different i.e. Leucas Aspera and Salvia Coccinea, that I wonder, if we, in India, are calling two different flowers of two different species by one name
My childhood days were like any of those Bangaloreans living middleclass lives or lesser in the seventies. We did not have what we do have today: we did not have a telephone, gas stove, fridge, television, furniture such as a dining set, car, ‘own’ house and so many other things we own now. (We did have an electric and kerosine stove, immersion heater for hot water for bath, a radio and an iron box)Today, my house is overflowing with books and clothes and electronic and electrical gadgets, and so many other things while the house of my childhood was almost bare.
That Spartan life however had countless happy hours which I remember to this day; I think I am missing that happiness now,because of the overeasy and abundant availability of things . The pleasure one finds in small acquisitions is great when one has very few things around. I still remember I had a small wooden box and I had filled it with chalk pieces, ‘balapa’ i.e. another type of a chalk piece, bits of candle, a matchbox and some broken and some intact marbles I had found on the road. I think I also had a stash of safety pins and hairpins. This collection was precious to me and I often opened the box to look and enjoy my store of things. I also remember feeling immensely proud and happy when the electricity failed and my grandmother asked me to give my store of small candles. Todays kids have tons of toys, games, books, electronic toys and what not. But I doubt that anyone of them experience the pride and joy I did when I gave those candles to my grandma !
I remember picking several objects on the road and bringing them home as I thought it would be useful to me or my family at some time. Usually the items were nails, bits of metal, hairpins and I cant remember what else. Even these items were a source of great pleasure to me (Was hoarding, a habit I developed early?)
I seem to remember having more happy times when I had less of worldly possessions ; I have gradually become richer and I did buy things I had wanted. However there has been no proportionate increase in the happiness or excitement when I acquire these things. I have also noticed that when I had less things, I used them more.
There was a time when there were a mere handful of books(mostly Enid Blyton & Indrajal comics) at home. I spent so many happy hours reading them over and over, and each time of reading/rereading was a pleasure.
I would get storybooks for each birthday and I would read the books over and over again till my next birthday ! (There were’t any public or private circulating libraries near my house then;). There were a few favourites which I have read so often that the books practically fell apart.
Now I have tons of books at home and there are so many of them, I have not read at all and several half read and discarded books. The same goes for clothes, dvds, vessels in the kitchen, vases, footwear, ornaments, etc. The more I could afford and the more things, I got, the less I actually used them. These days, I seem to have stuff, lying unopened for months after buying ! Now I seem to get more excitement in the search, hunt and chase for an object than in actually using it. The excitement seems to disappear once I have acquired it and there is only a little bit of pleasure when I use it. Which is really really sad!
The same applies for movies and television. (There was no television in Bangalore in the 70s and my house did not have a television till the mid 80s). I was taken to one film a month as a child and I remember running the movie in my head with various changes ( I am the heroine !) daily and getting a kick out of it. ( This type of daydreaming is the cause of my poor academic performance). I have spent countless hours in these fantastic daydreams. When my dad bought our first television, I did not miss any program, however boring it was ! If you remember, there was only one government run channel initially and the programs were beamed only for a few hours every evening. And the programs were boring documentary types.
Subsequently, movies were shown every week on television and I obsessively tried to see all but of them. However, I could no longer remember them all and even started getting the story lines mixed up ! Now I have become so picky, that very few movies hold my attention or interest. I wonder if I would have been different that is enjoyed the movies, however mediocre, if I had been deprived?
I am happy to say, I still derive a great deal of pleasure out of television serials even today ! This maybe because I deprive myself of cable ! I don’t have cable ( after getting into a major argument with my cable provider) and get only about 6 channels daily of which one is French and two of foreign languages and I end up watcfhing only three channels. I really enjoy seeing the serials available on these channels and I watch them in spite of the sometime-blurred and double images !
I have also bought a few dvds of some shows and watch these same dvds once in a while. I pray to God that I don’t ever lose the ability to enjoy shows!
I think the word I was looking for while writing all the above paragraphs was “jaded”. Now people are jaded with the surfeit of things they have... while in the past, due to scarcity, they could appreciate and enjoy the few things they had.
I can remember all the toys I had as a kid though I am in my 40s now. But my nieces cannot remember the toys they bought last year I think ! They have so much and therefore play less with each toy and do not care to remember them.
There is a lot to be said for poverty or deprivation. I definitely got more pleasure out of each book/movie/toy/thing when I had very few of them or had very limited access.
Now, however, trying to find things which interest me seems more fun than after I find them and actually participating/enjoying the activity. For example, when I go to borrow a dvd movie, I scan several and can rarely find any movie which interests me enough to borrow. I go to a library and browse through many and often come out with nothing. But the browsing gives me more happiness than seeing or reading what I find!
I am wondering what could make me so indifferent to things I enjoyed so much in the past. Am I jaded? Am I depressed? Am I getting old and is it true that the older you get, the less you enjoy ? Am I becoming picky and so it is only a narrow range of things which I enjoy instead of the entire spectrum of books or movies or whatever? Is it a change only I experience or a lot of others do? Am I becoming tired or lazy? It’s difficult for me to pinpoint what reason is affecting me. It may be a combination of them or only one of them. Am I losing the ability to enjoy things?
For example, my home in Toronto is filled with tons of books which I am yet to read ......I dont have the 'mood' to read. However, when I go to India and cant lay my hands on books to read, I read whatever I can lay my hands on without being picky !
When I am in a place with limited access to things I love, I revert to my childhood practice of completely using up what little is accessible and enjoy it ! Does the easy availability to things lessen my ability to enjoy them??? Is it that I can enjoy only when I am deprived and given things in meagre quantities ? Is it that I can enjoy only when I have suffered a bit like waiting for it or suffer in some other way? Does owning things make me feel comfortable/complacent about owning and make me postpone actually using or enjoying the item? The same goes for the dvds I have, clothes, accessories. Food too. When I have one sweet or snack item at home I relish it but when I have stocked up, I just don’t feel like eating anything ! (maybe I am lying about food. I think food is something which I am never tired of or feel 'jaded' about !)
I had very few clothes (Wednesday was the day we wore coloured clothes instead of the uniform to school) in my early days and I remember all the clothes I had then and how much I loved those few clothes and the joy I got wearing them. Now, either because we (my family) are better off than before or because Indian society itself has changed, there seems to be an abundance of all things . Yet I do not see a proportionate increase in satisfaction with this abundance. Children today have more clothes than I ever had and yet them seem to want more and are critical of what they have. The same goes for the variety of games, toys, foods available for kids today. I can imagine adults feeling jaded but children jaded?? And bored with what they have and always wanting something bigger or better or more exciting ? I think unless, kids (and all of us) experience some deprivation, they will be headed towards a life of constant boredom and constantly seeking something “more” thrilling or exciting or whatever.
And this makes me think of another idea. Is it that today’s children’s attention span or interest span is getting shorter? I mean that , children or yester years would be happy with one game or toy for many months before losing interest in it but today’s kids, explore a toy for a few days and then their interest fades and they want something new to stimulate their interest. I am not saying all kids are like this or all toys hold all kids interest for a short span of time. I don’t think the constant craving for something new and exciting is so bad. But I am concerned that these days, objects hold one’s interest for such a short period of time and one wants a new item, even before fully trying out the item in hand.
I wonder to what extent this problem is fostered by the fact that rich and indulgent parents frequently buy toys for their kids . If you buy a new toy everyday, why should a child play with a toy you bought last month?
Below is an account of what I went through to reach this stage of ennui and short interest span ….my experiences of financial insecurity followed by security and the pattern of enjoyment during the financially insecure period followed by a sort of ennui during financial security.
As I have told elsewhere in this blog, I emigrated from India to Canada and we had to start from scratch. We had to find jobs, live on less so as to not run out of money before we find a job, manage on what we got in our 6 suitcases until we got jobs. Though we were tense and focussed on getting a job, we did have the time to enjoy lots of things. We had a blast reading books from the libraries, buying used books from the Goodwill stores, watching shows on a black and white tv (someone had thrown out a black and white tv set on the kerb and we got it home), taking long walks and exploring the city, chatting with our families on yahoo chat, watching people ( and their clothes, hairstyles, jewels and accessories, ), etc.
Over time, we got jobs and started buying the things we could only enjoy through shop windows. And slowly the pleasure and joy started decreasing and the same sense of ennui set in. Now I feel the pleasure seems to be more in the chase to acquire something and once the object is got, it is used briefly and lies forgotten in some corner of my home.
One of the chase related rushes I get is when I am bidding for something on ebay. Fortunately I have cured myself of this ebay bidding habit and saved myself a lot of time and money ! ( Or rather, my office cured me of it…I was bidding at work and now the ebay site is blocked at my office computer)
Sometimes I think, I would like to start again, from nothing, as the excitement of the struggle lets me experience a plethora of emotions: I could do with the sense of achievement, the pride, the thrills but I could definitely do without the fears and tensions one has while struggling. The boy who repaired his cycle without any help from the father enjoys the sense of achievement which the boy who was helped by his father cannot.
Enjoying life beats the jaded feeling and ennui which some of us have. If it takes financial insecurity or job insecurity or “not being” rich, to appreciate and enjoy and experience things, then so be it. Many parents ( my relatives and friends and so many good people out there) want to provide their kids with ‘everything” and especially those things they wanted when they were kids but dint have. Parents also want their kids to ‘enjoy’ and ‘not suffer’ or ‘struggle’. I think they need to rethink about the benefits of ‘letting their kids struggle to achieve. They need to rethink the benefits of providing ‘everything’ to their kids. I see this a lot in parents who have had major transitions in their lives…those who moved from villages to the city, from India to other countries, from a lesser socio-economic status to higher. Maybe all parents have this need to provide everything for their kids, I don’t know.
I don’t have kids so it is easy for me to comment and criticize parents ! But I do understand the joys they feel when they buy their kid something ( I am now becoming convinced that parents get a greater kick out of buying their kids things than the kids get in playing with them !) .
I really appreciate the super rich parents who have to exercise discipline when bringing up their kids ! Imagine Bill Gates kids demanding sweets or toys or rides daily . He can afford it and he may want to give it to them to show his love but he has to ‘not’ give in to their excess demands if he wants them to develop good discipline or whatever….. Infact, I think it is easier for a economically ill off parent than for a rich one to bring up kids with discipline ! The ill off one does not need to be disciplined to not buy his kid…there is no struggle as there is no money ! But the rich parent, has a huge struggle on his hands ! He can easily buy but should not . Boy ! I hate that kind of a struggle as I have no discipline at all !
I keep telling my sister, that adversity or deprivation can be a blessing than otherwise as it gives her a chance to struggle and this struggle gives her so many things which wealth (by wealth, I mean, whatever is the opposite of adversity and deprivation) cannot give…the joy of achievement, the struggle which keeps her on her feet and saves her from boredom, the pride of doing it on her own without help. More importantly, the knocks from a struggle harden her and she is better prepared for any new knocks life has for her in future. The failures during a struggle, the taxing of one’s mind and body, all go towards building up the resilience and strength of the person. To be ‘lucky’ and hence to be deprived of struggle is like the body being deprived of essential exercise :one may become weak without facing adversity.
Wealth or comfort or support (support from family for one) really can be an obstacle in itself in that one misses out on valuable experiences of learning, growing, acquiring maturity, and misses on the emotions which follow a struggle: relief, happiness, thrill, anger, sadness. Remember, even emotions like sadness or anger or sense of failure can have positive consequences and not experiencing them can be a loss.
Children growing in families where they lack nothing and children from families where there is some deprivation are equipped differently to face life. I am not saying that one is better than the other. But I think I really liked my “to some extent deprived” childhood.
Deprivation and poverty also has a few other fantastic benefits. Deprivation stokes so many good qualities in a person, most importantly, empathy, compassion and creativity. It helps develop a lot of other good qualities too but I admire compassion and creativity the most. People who are deprived, put themselves in others shoes and picture what they are experiencing. People who have never faced want, often dont seem to get the suffering of someone who is facing difficulties. (if they cant have bread, let them have cake). Having faced unemployment, low salary, difficult landlords, I can easily put myself in the shoes of people who have faced similar circumstances and help them or at least be empathetic. However, relatives of mine, who are basically decent people and who have never faced unemployment, etc lack the imagination to understand the difficulties of the unemployed and lack empathy. They blame the unemployed person and make terribly unsympathetic remarks. When I try to defend the unemployed person or ask them to put themselves in the shoes of the unemployed person, they simply cannot or will not!
Necessity is the mother of invention sums up what I have to say, rather neatly. But I am going to put in my two cents worth here! In the 70s and 80s when I was a child and teen, living a rather frugal life, we would use things in multiple ways. We would not rush to buy things but try to figure out how to manage with what we had at home. Today, in this world of surplus and availability of things for everything, there is no scope for our recycling & creativity. Even if I want to recycle or reuse something creatively, my husband prevents it...he wants the right thing for the right task. He does not want to for example, use the plastic box in which we bought the litter to be used as a garbage bin. He wants to buy an official garbage bin! We would tear up old pants and stitch them into bags to be used for grocery shopping. Now we simply throw out the pants and buy bags for grocery shopping or worse, get the groceries in plastic bags from the shops. I can give hundreds of such examples of creative use and recycling in the past when we had few things and how it has been replaced by abundance and wastefulness today.
This which follows is vaguely related to the stuff I wrote above. I am throwing it in anyway for what it’s worth…….Another odd quirk I have noticed in me---I enjoy some songs (Like Kid Rock’s sweet home Alabama and Duffy’s Mercy). But I lose interest completely if I own the cd. I however get a great deal of joy if I hear it by chance on the radio or someone else’s system. Is it that the moment I own some things, I no longer care for it? Go figure.
I have been thinking about this issue since several years ; My thoughts about this issue were triggered by the copious evidence of poor judgement displayed by my friends, relatives and others whom I know(and me too at times!)
Why are poor judgements and poor choices 'repeatedly' made by people with (a)at least average level of intelligence, (b)education(at least a Bachelor's degree) and inspite of (c) being surrounded by well meaning and sensible advisors/friends? Why do these people refuse to learn or change when they fail? Why do they continue to show the same poor judgement and poor choices which leads them to further failure? Is Judgement a cognitive function like intelligence or is it a personality trait or is it something affected by emotions and intelligence & your current harmone level? Is poor judgement something you learn or is it something you are born with? Is it poor judgement or is it just sheer bad luck? (It cant be bad luck if it happens again and again)
The reason poor judgement bothers me so much is that I have seen heads of Indian families (as heads, they control the money, decision making power and power over the lives of all other family members) with poor judgement shattering the lives of everyone in the family... not once or twice but for decades ! Sometimes even the 'as-yet unborn' generation is affected by the poor judgment skills of these tyranical heads of families !
Just looking around half a dozen families I know intimately, I can come up with several examples of poor judgement! Extrapolating from this, the extent of poor judgement in the Indian middle class population seems to be about 50% or more!
While I am not going to write about the details of poor judgements I have observed, I am going to guess at the factors driving their poor judgement decisions. These are just my guesses. I hope this list will help me to get insight into my own behaviour and help me recognize if I am falling into a pattern of making poor choices or showing poor judgement.
(1)Greed and the intense desire to get rich quick seems to be the motivation behind the poor judgements and decisions of a couple I know.They might have also been driven by the (2)desire to out-do their relatives and friends. The sad part is that they are now in a severe financial mess which in turn has lead to health, emotional and social problems.
(3)Poor planning and (4) poor knowledge of the matter they are getting into is another factor. India is one place where 'informed decision making' is conspicious by it's absence! People make major decisons involving lakhs of rupees with little or no knowledge of what they are investing in. Why dont people try to get as much information as possible before they get involved in something? I can think of a few reasons why. (5)Impulsivity,(6) Impatience, (7)inability to think things through are behaviours observed in some of the people with poor judgement. They do not have the patience to research something fully before diving into it. It may be a business venture; it may be selection of a course which determines your career for your life; it may be selection of your spouse. People have bought expensive new cars with little or no research done before buying! (8)Absence of available and accessible information also prevents people from being fully informed before they make a decision. This is really sad as these people are really not responsible if they make a poor choice and face failure...they could not access information to make wiser decisions. There are people in rural areas, people in poor sections of society in India who have no access to English, no access to sensible or educated advisors, no access to the internet, no access to information through the mass media. At least 50% of people in India or more fall into this category. Many people in villages have been misguided either deliberately by malicious and evil persons or by well-meaning but unwise people. The money lenders who loan huge sums of money to farmers knowing that they will default are the malicious ones for example. The aged farmer who tells the younger one that it will "definitely rain" and to go ahead with the seed sowing during a drought year would probably be the well-intentioned one who misguides people unintentionally. People have become victims of poor judgement displayed by otherswho control their lives. Forced Arranged Marriages which fail is a perfect example. The bride or groom have no say about whom they can marry and have to marry the person chosen for them by their parents or other elders. If the marriage does not work, then, they become victims. While some brides and grooms can be assertive and can successfully have a say in their marriages, many brides from rural areas, from repressive and autocratic families do not really have a chance. A student who has no aptitude for medicine but forced to study medicine by his father and who fails in his studies and ends up as a drop out is another example of becoming a victim of someone else's poor judgement. (9)Lack of common sense is another cause of poor judgement. I am sure dear reader, you can come up with several examples of your own for this. I have seen several people in India who will(10) not go to professionals or professionals with a good reputation to get their work done. They try to do it with the help of amateurs or unskilled people and have huge losses and failures. Yet they never learn! I remember a couple with no business experience start a business of exports. They went to a professional consultant who warned them to avoid expanding the business too rapidly. Yet this couple thought the professional was a fool and did not listen to them. They went ahead, made all the mistakes the consultant had warned them about and crashed really badly. Not trusting professionals is a major type of poor judgement displayed by majority of the people I know.(Including me!) I have seen people take the advise of a nurse over a doctor's; Patients and their families prefer to take the advise of the janitor in the hospital than consult a doctor! (11)Belief in superstitions, belief in God to the extent that one jumps off a plane without a parachute, belief in astrology, black magic,Maya and Mantras are all the basis of several people's poor judgements in India. Praying at the temple daily instead of studying to pass in an exam; donating to a temple or spending time and money on religious rituals instead of making sensible and reliable plans for a venture are some common examples of poor judgement. One example is of a friend of mine whose business started failing and instead of analyzing why the business is failing and doing something to repair that, he went to a Vaastu consultant. The Vastu guy told my friend that the garage was bringing them bad luck and their luck would improve after they demolished the garage. He went ahead and demolished the garage! But no luck with the business! I can give hundreds of examples of people who have made major decisions based on such superstitious beliefs and brought on tremendous ruin upon themselves.(I am no exception! ) A sad example of poor judgement which I have seen repeated in at least 3 different households is an astrologer telling one of the daughters in the family that she will marry a rich person. The girl believes this to the extent that she refuses to marry though she gets several 'decent' proposals by arguing that they are not rich enough. As these families were only into arranged marriages and the girls did not have a chance to meet and choose their own husband, ( in the 1970s and 1980s) they remained unmarried for life. Not only that, their younger sisters too could not marry....in most families the younger one cannot marry until the older one is married off;( if the younger one gets married before the older one, then it is impossible for the older one to get married as people would suspect "something" is wrong with the older one!) There are these women, now in their fifties, who remain single, due to the poor judgement and sutbborness shown by one elder sister! What is the cause of this poor judgement i.e. this irrational (or least a belief leading to failure) and strong belief in superstition? I really do not know....It does not amount to a delusional disorder or schizophrenia as they are doing well in all other areas. I think it is an immature or childish magical belief one has...that a miracle is going to happen and I dont have to work hard and plansensibly...God will take care of it sort of thing; Or the astrologer has predicted such a wonderful irresistable thing (you will marry a rich guy) that you WANT & WISH it to be true and will reject all guys you perceive as not rich as 'not the one for me'. Analyzing myself in these superstitious situations(praying desperately to God and offering up bribes so that I get something I badly want such as a visa to go to USA!) I see myself, at that point in time, experiencing a great deal of anxiety and these prayers and belief that God will help, reduces my anxiety a lot. Once the anxiety reduces, I am able to function. If all people beleive in superstitions for this reason, then anxiety reduction is a major cause of superstitious beliefs...leading to poor judgement. Ergo, are beliefs in superstitions, Vaastu, Black Magic, Poojas and Rituals, Maya and Mantras, nothing but a type of a ineffective or neurotic-psychotic Ego defence mechanism?
(12)Poor assessment of one's own abilities...usually overestimation of one's capacities coupled with (13)unrealistic optimism is a major cause of poor judgement and consequent failure. My favorite example for this is the millions of PUC/12th grade students in India who opt for engineering, medical, courses, though their scores in PUC/Grade 12 indicate they have little or no hope of success in studying these tough technical courses. I have seen scores of students who could barely get 50% in mathematics of grade 12 level opting to study engineering where the level of mathematics would be tougher. While counselling a few of these students I wondered why they are so stubborn about their 'wrong' choice and not ready to change to a course, more suitable for thier capacities. The driving force for their apparent poor judgement or inappropriate choice of course were : the need to tell that they got into 'an engineering college' was a tremendous need. Whether they get through engineereing or not at the end of 4 years does not immediatly matter .....Their 'self-esteem now' is what mattered. Many students self-esteem was tied to the fact that they are studying engineering or medicine. They do not want to feel like a 'loser' which they will if they do not get into these courses. Hopefully, things have changed in the current century. Now I find more students opting for other courses and their self-esteem does not seem to be tied up to this issue. I am not saying that one should not try something unless one is sure one wins. But if one has good judgement, one will definitely not go overboard, investing in something where the chances of failing are high. Poor assessment of the abilities of the people you love, bias, blind trust are also factors leading to poor judgements and decision making, especially where loved ones are involved. Repeatedly believing your alcoholic husband will stop drinking though he has never attempted(but merely keeps promising) is one example of poor judgement caused by blind love or blind trust.
I asked my husband what factors cause poor judgement in people and he added two more to this list. (14) Inability to learn from past failures. He said that some people fail to learn from a mistake and keep taking similar decisions, making the same choices over and over again , hoping that the next time, they will miraculoulsy succeed...that their failure was not because of something they did wrong. The second cause of poor judgements according to him is (15)lack of experiencing appropriate emotions when they fail. He called it a mood disorder but I am not sure that I agree with mood disorder. He thinks that these people do not go through the grief, sense of loss and failure when they face the consequenses of their poor decisions but appear to be untouched. Normal people feel distressed when they fail but these people do not seem to be affected by the enormity of the consequences of their failure . I have also seen some of them recover pretty quickly after a major failure compared to those with good judgement. Are they shallow? Dont they feel any pain ?I simply cannot understand this.
(16) Many people with poor judgement do not take responsibility for their failure but blame bad luck, others, etc. They lack insight about their poor judgement, they are arrogant and free from any qualms! They simply want "another chance". Give them another chance, they mess up again and still want another chance. This goes on till they die... if they are supported by soft-hearted (& soft-headed) families and friends they never ever learn. I have seen families financially bailing out a family member repeatedly and getting themselves into a financial mess. The guy they are bailing out simply asks to be bailed out one last time and he goes ahead and makes the same stupid things and loses money again! When you ask the guy with poor judgement to review why he failed the last time, to analyze, etc, he does not want to "dwell on the past" but move on to the next venture! This once again shows their impatience, their superficial approach and their refusla or inability to analyze throughly the cause of thier failure and inability to make revised plans next time. I have seen this behaviour in so called "professors" of universities, doctors, etc and so I can imagine how the rest of the world can be.
Addicts and gamblers seem to show the same behaviour shown by people with poor judgement: (17)(a) There is no learning,(b) they make the same mistakes,(c) they cannot change. One frequently seen behaviour among people with poor judgement is the fact that they argue and defend their poor decisons and judgements by resorting to the theoritical profits or theoritical successes they would have made if things did not go wrong. I am so sick of hearing these arguments that I want to slap the person ...but usually these statements come from elders whom I cant slap! "If the orders were not cancelled, I would have made 50 lakh profit"; "If it had rained this year, I would have grown 20 quintals of ragi"; "If that guy hadn't cheated me, I would have finished the construction". The number of ifs, poor decision makers come up is infinite! Could (18) lack of touch with reality or ìnadequate touch with reality be another cause of poor judgement? I am not saying that these people with poor judgement are schizophrenic or psychotic but they are not as aware of the ground reality as they should be and so they make poor decisions. Lack of touch with the ground reality is one issue which I see very often and which really really perplexes me....When one tries to make some of these people aware of the ground realities and improve their choices or judgement, they continue to be blind or adamant and refuse to acknowledge ground reality...Why? Some refuse to acknowledge ground realities inspite of warnings because they are so "confident they know better'; some are probably aware but will not admit it to you and make changes for whatever reason(yes men & sycophants dont dare argue with a boss but pretend that his plans are wonderful) Denial,a defence mechanism spoken about by Freud is a major culprit responsible for poor judgement. (19) Optimism is one blinker which prevents one from being in touch with ground realities. (20)Wishful thinking and(21) refusal to even consider things may not go as planned are other factors. Refusal to give a margin for error is one behaviour I have seen in my dad which drives me crazy and leads to such failures. Patriotic NRIs arriving at India and opening NGOs to help the needy in India and running back to where they came from because they were not aware of the Indian ground reality when they decided to open the NGO is one example I can think of. (22)Rigid thinking and refusal to change , inflexibility and refusal to change inspite of obvious evidence is another cause of poor judgement. I have seen people repeatedly trust someone who has failed them; stick to an idea inspite of the idea not working out and so on.
There are situations where people have seemingly shown poor judgement. But these are the type of people I love! They are people who have good judgement and know something will fail...yet they go ahead with it because of noble reasons which are really touching. A moving story of poor judgement I read (maybe in the readers digest) was about a soldier who went back to bring his dying friend during a war. While bringing his friend back, he himself was mortally wounded; he returned to the Base with his now dead friend . His seargent sorrowfully asked him what was the point in returning to bring back his friend; he surely knew, he would be shot if he went back? The dying man replied, "Going back to bring him was not a waste Sir. My friend's last words to me were" I knew you would come back for me". There are people who make certain choices even though they know that it will fail;they make thisapparently poor decision or show poor judgement because "it is the right thing to do". What do you say of such people? That they are showing poor judgement or what?
Right now in India, corruption is so rampant, that anyone ethical is bound to fail in whatever they try i.e. he who is ethical is showing poor judgement! Unethical people, who are morally bankrupt are succeeding in life.
In this wretched India, I feel totally torn....doing what is right is wrong i.e you will fail if you do the right thing. Doing the wrong thing will help you succeed! What do you do in this situation!!! For example, you will get your site registered only if you pay a bribe; if you dont, you will running to that government registration office for years to come! So do you want to show 'good judgement' and pay the bribe and get on with it or do you do the right thing, refuse to bribe, and be left running pillar to post to simply get your site registered!(By the time you get your plan for your house construction approved, get the water, electricity, sewage, phone connections, etc...you will have bribed a dozen or more times!)
Given the rampant corruption, what is Good Judgement in the Indian setting? The operational definition for Good Judgement in countries and cultures like India would be the statement, "To succeed by hook or crook is evidence of Good Judgement in India".
With the above paragraph, I am trying to tell you dear reader, good judgement is context-based! Judgement is sensitive to place, time, context, people concerned, etc. What is considered a good judgement in one place, at a certain time, in a certain context, may be considered poor in a different context.
I am adding more to this list of causes of poor judgement when I recall some more. I am stopping for now One more thing......Could (23)Hope be a cause for poor judgement? Hope is such a tricky, emotion laden thing, that one cannot lightly decide if a certain decision made because of hope, was a good or poor decision. One example is of a friend of mine whose son was dying of cancer. While the Canadian hospitals told he has no hope and only a few days to live, the American doctors promised them a "new cure". My friend borrowed a considerable sum of money, took his son to USA for treatment and lost his son inspite of the 'new cure'. He was furious and bitter. He did not want to take the loan as he did not believe in this new cure he said but that he did it to please his wife, the mother of the dying son. Now they had lost thier son and were saddled with a huge loan. They are retired and have to work again to clear this loan. But, how does one, try to 'instil good judgement in them' and prevent them from taking the loan, when it was to save their son's life? It's not really easy to decide some people's judgements as bad or foolish. Their bad judgements are based on emotions such as love, hope, kindness, trust, happiness, sadness and I find it so difficult to fault these people!
(24)Stress is another factor leading to poor judgement and poor decisions being made. People seem to loose all reason and make terribly foolish decisons when under stress. (25)Any form of emotional disorder, psychological or psychiatric disorders also lead to a person making flawed judgements. One may not be mentally ill but go through emotional problems like anxiety, depression, anger, stress, jealousy, hatred at some point in time...and any judgement made during the experience of these emotions can lead to the judgement being flawed: An anxious motorist will make mistakes due to wrong judgements when driving; a depressed person will not be able to judge or assess a business plan as well as a calm, undepressed person of equal calibre; a person's jealousy will blind him to the goodness in his rival's personality; In the context of psychological disorders, I would like to add obsessions as a cause of poor judgement. Let me explain by an actual example......I have a relative who is obsessed with his agricultural land..........he is so obsessed by this land that he neglects all other issues in his life, even priorities such as his daughter's marriage! He has completely lost all sense of what is a priority and what is not...he is unable to put his agriculture work on the back-burner and focus on his daughter's marriage which is in 8 weeks time. (It's not agriculture that he is focussed on...he's focussed on a fool's errand of building a fence round his land..land which is arid and has yielded nothing all these years...everyone has dissuaded him from this task but he is borrowing money, forcing his daughters to lend him money to build this fence....He is not bothered that he has no money for a wedding coming up in 8 weeks time but he is raging about not having money to build this worthless fence!!! I am sure he is mentally ill, considering his age(late 70s, his utter lack of judgement in all that he has done over the past 20-30 years; but as he is the head of his family and extremely autocratic; it is impossible to question(he does more of these foolish things if anyone questions him and so people have stopped questioning him, except when they can no longer bear it)him and it is almost impossible to live with him; he has spent his entire life, wasting lakhs of rupees in one foolish venture after another; hhe refuses to give up!.......What I am trying ot say here is that mental illnesses can lead to poor judgements; even slight distortions of thinking can lead to poor judgements; one should as often as possible, sit back, observe one's own acts and decisions wiht detachment and check for poor judgement calls; one can also ask others to give an unbiased opinion of what they think of our decisions........take care not to ask this of a sychophant however! Even 'positive' emotions such as love can lead to poor judgement. When one is in love or infatuated, one can lose one's objectvity and make poor judgement calls about the person one is in love with! How many 'bright','smart','shrewd' people have been taken for a ride by the person they were infatuated with as they lost their head and their judgement? Psychologists have proved through experiments that people make errors when under stress; people make errors when doing multiple tasks simultaneously.
An Australian immigrant to Canada told that he found the sight of Rajasthani women walking the sandy desert in their colourful skirts and jewellery, with pots of water on their heads a beautiful sight. I told him, it may look beautiful to you but believe me, those women are certainly not happy carrying water pots on their heads, walking the long distance, in the blazing sun, from the well to their houses and then continue with their household chores of cooking! He disagreed and wished that, that aspect of Rajasthan would not change due to modernization.
I found his wish both cruel and thoughtless. Here is a guy, who has 24 hour water & electricity supply, a fan if he is hot and a heater if he is cold, a car to drive even to the nearest store instead of walking and all the thousand comforts which one takes for granted and not even notice in Canada. He wants the women in Rajasthan to live in such suffering for "aesthetic" reasons!
This is what irks me about the modern people. They assume that "simple" is beautiful or "simple is good" and want "others" to follow that life style while they have their modern comforts and luxuries. City folks moan about the changes happening and the loss of the tribal culture and rural lifestyles; yet they want for themselves, the latest and best gadgets in the market!
This train of thought reminds me of what I heard when I visited Udaipur in Rajasthan.
A lorry driver in Udaipur commented to me that his brother was a camel driver and was unable to get a bride; all the girls in the village wanted to marry lorry drivers who earn more and can keep them in greater comfort than a camel driver. None of the girls wanted anything to do with a camel driver! To get his brother married, he had to first get his brother a lorry and a driver's licence!
Below is a news item from Bangaloremirror.com which shows the hardships faced by women in Gujarat and how they refuse to marry so as to avoid a lifetime of physical labour and hardship.
Due to an acute water crisis in two villages of Gujarat’s Vadodara district, would-be brides are fighting shy of marrying into families in Jetpur and Devaliya villages. The reason is that they have to trudge distances to fetch water in the scorching summer heat.
The two villages, with a total population of about 3,000 people, are situated about 30 km from the Sardar Sarovar dam project on Narmada river.
Member of Narmada district panchayat, Harish Vasava, said that this has been the situation over the past few years. “Parents refuse to marry off their daughters here due to non-availability of permanent drinking water,” said Vasava.
Sahida Banu who lives in Devaliya village says they are in no position to offer drinking water to guests. “Instead, we prefer to offer a bottle of cold drink,” said Sahida. “Water is very precious for us. We have to walk kilometres a day with buckets of water.”
Nafisa Banu from Jetpur village said that finding a bride for young men is a problem. “The underground water is undrinkable due to the salinity.”
“The water problem has led to health hazards for villagers,” said sarpanch of Devaliya, Neeta Bhil.
Vasava said that though water from Narmada is supplied to north Gujarat, Saurashtra, Kutch and Rajasthan after the construction of the dam on the river, people in these villages still face water crisis.
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Likewise, there are people who choose a hard life, not for the sake of 'aesthetics' but under a misguided belief that a physically hard life is "more honest" or "keeps one healthy and fit". My father is one of these annoying persons who believe in physical work instead of using technology to make life comfortable and he is also autocratic enough to impose this on my poor mother and other hapless members in my family. For example he prefers to draw water from the well by pulling the bucket up with a rope than using the motor pumpset to draw the water. He prefers to buy the milk by walking to the milk booth daily morning than having it delivered at home. He wants my mother to ground the chutney by hand, in the granite stone pestle and mortar instead of using the electric mixer. The list goes on.
Why the hell do these people (like my dad) not realize that the time spent on physical labour could be better used to do cognitive activities such as learning a new skill or reading; could be used to relax, to socialize with friends, to contemplate, day dream, think, play, etc? Why this insistence on torturing oneself and others by doing things manually for hours together instead of with technology in seconds?
The resistence to use of anything new is seen often in many third world countries and there are many reasons for this. Unshakeble belief that the old customs are good and new are bad; that the 'ancients knew better than us new-fangled people'; that anything modern or western is evil or at least suspect. On the other hand what is also a mystery to me, is the speed at which some new stuff is accepted such as television, cinema, cell phones and computers! The co-existence of 1st century technology such as the bullock carts and 21st century technology such as space craft, cell phones and computers can be seen in countries like India and one wonders, how long we will continue to use the logics, beliefs, technologies of 20 different centuries simultaneously ! Use of computer software to arrive at one's horoscope is a perfect example of the mix of ancient logic and modern technology!
While working in an Indian hospital, I spent endless happy hours chatting with doctors from different disciplines in the hospital canteen. The beauty of these coffee-time chats was that it was not only full of gossip and hospital politics but the gossipers were people with great wit and biting sarcasm.
One of these was a middle-aged doctor who, like the rest of us, was poorly paid but unlike others, he did not have a private practice to supplement his salary. Once, when his financial and other problems were more worrying than usual, he commented "It is better to be born as a dog in America, than as a doctor in India". We had all laughed and joked about it . At that time, none of us had ever been to USA or any country outside India for that matter. (For the record, his comment, sounded so much better in Kannada, with his sarcastic inflections!)
Having moved to Canada and having a cat at home, I am now able to appreciate the truth of his comment ! My cat, unlike us humans, has no worries. It spends all it's time doing what it likes. It does not work, does not worry about paying off mortgage or getting the kids educated and married. There is someone to fill it's bowls with food and water daily; there's someone to clean it's litter and when the poop sticks, there are willing slaves to wipe it off it's backside! It has four places to choose to sleep ...our bed and the guest bed, a sofa and a chair. It has someone or the other to pet it and carry it several times a day. It whines and we are immediately at it's beck and call. I take it for walks in the backyard mornings and evenings; if I dont, it mews at me till I yield. I play with this cat probably more often than some mothers play with their children. We have cut short our trips so that it is not left alone at home. It sleeps the entire day, sprawled on the bed, with it's legs stretched out in all directions. In fact, it was it's sleep posture, which reminded me of the comment of the doctor and the reason for me writing this! I guess my cat's biggest worry is whether I will take it out to the backyard as soon as I wake or after I had my coffee. I cant imagine, this cat having any other worry on it's mind.
It is a bliss to be born as a pet in a rich country...in a pet lover's home than as a human being in a struggling poor country!
"The gardener's cat" by Patrick Chalmers reminds me of my cat.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
April 26th 2012. Morning 7.30am in Toronto.
It's cold.(7 degree celcius). And cloudy. Just had my coffee. It is one of those rare occasions when my husband made the morning coffee instead of me! I am in bed. Under a rug. Reading an old Chase (Mission to Venice). And enjoying the moment! I pause now and then to look out of the window and see three trees whose branches are laden with white flowers: the pear tree, the cherry blossom and the crab apple tree. I can see a few trees in the valley below that are still brown and leafless while many others are sporting new leaves with the lovely fresh lime-green hue. Husband has left to work. I too have to leave in an hour's time. Meanwhile I am enjoying this heaven..... It's a grey, cold day outside. I am warm & cosy, snuggled up in a bed inside.....with a nice book for company. The cat's lying by me, half asleep..half awake. There is silence in the house, except for the low hum of vehicles passing through the valley below. Blissful Solitude.
PS: I have read 'Mission to Venice' long ago. Thanks to my terrible memory, I have forgotten it almost fully. And now, I am savouring the pleasure of reading my favorite author again. Rereading favorites, as if for the first time, is the one bright side to having a poor memory!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Butterflies in the garden
I saw several butterflies yesterday(april 20th 2012) in my back garden .They were flying around the flowers of the cherry blossom and pear tree. Is this butterfly season in Toronto? I usually see them in fall time.
Unbelievable fruits of procrastination reaped by known acquaintances:
A procrastinator I know, once soaked tamarind in a stainless steel lota and placed it by the kitchen sink. She used a part of it and left the rest in the lota. Daily, when did the dishes, her eyes passed over this lota. But for some reason, she neither used the tamarind nor did she throw it out and clean the lota. As it was near the washbasin, the water did not dry up but a few drops of water splashed on the tamarind daily and the tamarind sat in the lota for months. Finally a visitor to the house took the glass to clean it and discovered that the tamarind had made a hole in the lota ! Stainless steel which is supposedly indestructible now had a hole in it caused by a bit of tamarind; the stainless steel lota which would have lasted a hundred years with daily use was destroyed by this procrastinator’s delay in removing the tamarind! It would have taken but one or two seconds to remove the tamarind and one minute to wash the lota. This procrastinator’s inability to spare that single minute, lead to this lota's destruction.
Another procrastinator was one who had one son and then became pregnant again. Neither she nor her husband wanted another child and decided to abort this pregnancy. Thanks to procrastination, she put off the visit to the hospital for various sundry excuses. Finally when she and her husband found the time to visit the clinic, the doctor told them it was too late to abort! They had to have the baby. It was a boy. This boy's best friend, my cousin, who told me this story, was glad about this bit of procrastination!
Another friend of mine who is a phenomenal procrastinator had intermittent bleeding and was advised by the doctor to get her uterus removed. Thanks to her procrastination, her uterus is getting bigger, the fibroids growing in it are getting bigger and (she is still procrastinating!) her doctor has warned her that when they remove the uterus, the cut on her tummy is going to be pretty big. But she is still procrastinating! Her uterus could have been removed through her vagina, without a major surgery if it had been done a couple of years ago when her doctor first advised her! I am wondering when she will finally get round to getting her hysterectomy!
I have witnessed other phenomenal examples of procrastination leading to major losses... loss of tissue(to breast cancer), loss of life, loss of lakhs of rupees and so on.
One example of loss of a huge amount of money was my friend’s postponement of buying of gold. Her relative gave her a few thousand rupees (in the 80s) and wanted her to place an order for a pair of gold bangles. There were several jewellers near her college but each day my friend put off placing the order and would run home after her classes or to her friend’s house or movies. After many months, when she could no longer tolerate her benefactor’s nagging, she went to place the order for the bangles and discovered to her horror, the price of gold had gone up and she could not buy as much gold as she could have, if she had bought as soon as she was given the money.
A friend of mine paid the price for her doctor's procrastination...he procrastinated i.e. he took his own sweet time to refer her for tests...she paid the price.
A sweet gentleman I know, a friend’s father, owns a coffee estate . He was a master procrastinator when it came to tedious jobs such as the various court cases against him by relatives who were fighting for the estate. My friend once described him as one who would rather go into the forest with a child who wants to find a bird’s nest and spend the entire day trying to find the bird’s nest for the child …..than going to court with his lawyer on the day his case is being heard in court! This man's pathological procrastination and avoidence of facing up to the tedious tasks of meeting his lawyer, doing his paper work, etc, nearly cost him his estate! Thanks to the efforts of his long-suffering wife and his persistent lawyer, the estate was saved. But knowing this man, I think, he would not care whether his estate was saved or lost ! This estate is his only source of income; yet, he is so lost in his own world. He actively avoids the important tasks and diligently follows up on the trivial! No. he is not having any major mental problem such as schizophrenia, depression, alcoholism, personality disorder, mental retardation, etc
What causes this sort of fatal procrastination?
(1) One reason I can think of : The effects of procrastination are not immediatly felt and the procrastinator does not experience any fear about teh consequences of his procrastination. Herre is an example. Whether I throw the old meat dish sitting in the fridge either today or tomorow does not really make a big difference. And so...I keep postponing throwing the meat to 'next time'...Though I open the fridge, a few times daily, I dont feel alarmed about possibility of mould on the meat dish. Putting off doing something for one day, is by itself harmless, and ergo...the procrastinator makes it a habit of doing it daily! Maybe procrastinators, get into a pattern of behaviour and are unable to get out of it.
(2) Is procrastination a type of inability of the brain to take the task(the task one is delaying) seriously? When an outsider warns the procrastinator to stop delaying, the procrastinator's brain cannot appreciate the seriousness of the warning or even of the situation. I have experienced this myself...I have not studied for an exam; time is running out; I know I am going to fail if I dont study....yet, I find tasks to do instead of study the subject; my brain tells me to study but I simply cannot sit with that set of books! I do feel exam-anxiety, sometimes intense, sometimes mild, but neither the high nor the low anxiety is effective in motivating me to study! There seems to be a kind of inertia, when I have to do something unplesant and this inertia leads to procrastination!
Analyzing my own procrastination and of others I know, I think these are some more reasons causing or maintaining procrastination.
1)Avoidance of unpleasant, boring, tedious tasks. Avoidance of what one perceives as non-rewarding, uninteresting, unthrilling tasks. Avoidance of doing something because one anticipates failure.
2) Laziness
3) Tiredness, lack of time, poor motivation for what needs to be done.(anemia, low energy levels?
4) Is it possible that procrastinators cannot understand time-sensitveness of the work they are delaying? I know for example that I have only till tomorrow to book an appointment with the doctor...I know how important it is that I see the doctor before his time gets filled up by other clients. Yet, this awareness does not translate into action! The thought of booking an appointment is sitting in my brain but there is an inertia or paralysis-sort-of-thing which prevents me from booking!
5)I have managed to avoid procrastination, when I have people pushing me to complete my tasks. I have seen this in other people too. So, I am wondering if 'some' procrastinators or procrastinators 'sometimes' need an 'external push'. Procrastinators may lack the inner locus of control and need external aid to prompt them to do things on time. Of course, external promptors do not work for some procrastinators; external promptors may not be effective sometimes.
6) I have seen a whole lot of procrastinators who are quick to do tasks for others such as friends and relatives and even strangers. But for some unfathomable reason, they put off doing what is vital and urgent for themselves or their families (i.e.their own wife or children). I have watched with bitterness a parent put his own kids needs on hold and run around fulfilling the same needs of other kids…who also have parents to take care of them. There is absolutely no excuse for this father to neglect his kids and run after the other kids needs. I am now coming to the realization that there are several men(hardly any women) who will do any errands or chores for their friends but will neglect the same chores, with the same degree of urgency in their own households! Their long-suffering wives and kids have commented that their father probably hates them and this is his way of showing it! What causes this self-destructive delay of completing one's own tasks ? And what the hell prompts this extraordinary altruism and promptness with other people's work?
Is it the great sense of fulfilment when one does chores for others? Maybe the procrastinator craves for the gratitudewhich the friend shows. Or Maybe the procrastinator's love for his wife and kids has waned with the years. Or does he get some perverse pleasure through this passive aggressive way of procrastinating about urgent tasks for his own or his own family's interests ?
7) No sense of priorities: Could this be an explanation for procrastination? I am not convinced about this reason for procrastination but I am noting it here for what it’s worth. One grim example of a lack of a sense of priorities is of a person who wanted to do some totally unimportant work when his daughter was about to deliver a baby.(Daughter's husband was not around at the time) He did not want to go to the hospital with her but run after this less than trivial errand of his! What is the motive behind this wilful neglect? Anger towards the delivering new mother? Absolute disregard for what is important ? This is another example of men who neglect family and run around doing chores for other people.
This has nothing to do with procrastination but I am writing this here anyway. I would like to discuss about a category of men I have seen in Indian culture ....these are men who have terrible relationship with their wives and they are extremely disrespectful, dominent and abusive towards their wives; they do not have affairs or mistresses; they treat all other women such as thier daughters, mothers, sisters, friends wives, etc with respect but do not accord the same decent treatment towards their wives. They are very popular and liked by everyone (except their wives) and labelled as "good decent men"; they are honest, hard working, etc. They run around doing endless chores for their friends; loaning money to their friends, relatives and even strangers but will never do the same for thier wives! They truloy believe they are decent men and what they are doing is right. They are simply unable to see how abusive they are towards their wives! They honestly believe they are treating their wives fairly! I keep wondering if videotaping their behaviour towards their wife and others and showing the two tapes will help them discover how different their behaviour is with wife and others. But I doubt it. This is one major mystery for which I cannot think of an explanation. This absolute blindness and lack of insight about their behaviour towards their wives. I have seen this not in one family or a few but several. I am sure it is some kind of a diseased behaviour caused by the male dominence in Indian 'culture' and society. These men who are utterly decent in all ways, except towards their wives. Most or all of these wives, are very sweet women who do not deserve (I am not implying that if the women were not sweet they deserve!) to be treated thus. But most or none of these women(at least my mother's generation and many of my generation) ever get a divorce but put up with this obnoxious behaviour...for various reasons.
I am getting so worked up…as I write this! I am stopping here before I lose all clarity of thinking! I will be adding all the other incidents of procrastination I have seen or heard of ....along with my theories of procrastination.
Just to let you all know...I have written this essay without referring to any studies or texts or whatever. So none of this is based on research. It is based entirely on my own experience.
My boss told me a few months after I was selected that she selected me in spite of my ‘hostile’ body language during the interview…she knew that I was not hostile and that I was sitting in my typical posture i.e. arms folded across my chest.
Folding my hands across my chest is my most typical posture when I have no use for my hands. I stand in this posture while waiting in lines at bus stops, when I am chatting with someone, while watching the milk come to a boil on the stove…I feel neither hostility nor anger against anyone ….I adopt this posture because it’s the best way of staying warm (I feel cold at least 9 months of the year in Toronto); Or maybe I stand in that position because it is something I have done for decades. I do not know, how this came to be my typical posture; but this is my posture and as I said before, there is no anger or hostility or any emotion for that matter, when I am in this position.
I hope I do not have to change my posture…. I hope that the people stop defining body language in such narrow rigid terms. People should accept that the body language of people from different cultures mean different things or mean absolutely nothing….a posture is a posture and may mean nothing else!
I am getting sick and tired of putting my hands on the table when I am at meetings. I prefer sitting with hands folded across chest and one leg across the other. To put my hands on the table each time I remember that I ‘look hostile’ is such a bore. Even if I do put my hands on the table, in no time at all, my hands are back in their usual position i.e. folded across my chest…without me noticing!
People should stop interpreting every gesture, frown, smile, posture, tremor, tic, movement, expression, stoop, walk, dress of people. People who keep interpreting body language or ‘reading between lines’ often jump to wrong conclusions and also argue endlessly that their conclusions are right! For example, a colleague told me that I look sad and asked what my problem was. I was actually feeling bored, not sad, but I could not convince my questionerthat I was bored, not sad!
Would a burka help me? The burka, especially the Saudi Arabian one which covers one, completely from head to toe will stop anyone from readingor misreading body language or facial expressions!
It’s April 2012 and the results are in ! My darling nephew has got 43% in maths which has, I am sure, left his parents devastated. I am sad too but I am more concerned about my sweetheart getting psychologically damaged by his marks….I hope he does not become an anxious, mathematics fearing mess who starts thinking he is ‘useless’ because he got 40+ in maths.
His scores in other subjects are okay i.e. in the 70s in physics and chemistry and 80s in biology , 60s & 70s in English, geography, history and so on. My advice to his parents is this.
Don’t pressurize him to do well in maths by making statements like“You did not work hard enough. You watched too much television. You played too much. You sleep too much. You take life too easy. You do not care about your future. Your friends did so well. What is your problem? Maybe it’s our fault that we give you too much and spoil you too much. If we were stricter, you would have done better. Maybe we should hit you with a broom instead of giving you all these luxuries”.
Analyze why he got low marks.
He’s in 8th grade, going to 9th. Try to get the paper from the school and find out why he lost marks.
1) Has he not understood the question? Does he not know the steps to answer? Has he not understood? Is it careless mistakes due to attention problems and carelessness? Is it poor working memory and he does not remember all the steps? Is it poor conceptual understanding of the problems?
2) Once you identify his weaknesses, try to strengthen the weaknesses, during the summer holidays. Make sure he has understood all the stuff in 8th grade maths. Getting a score of 40 in 8th grade and getting promoted to 9th grade, definitely sets him up for bigger failure in 9th grade…. if nothing is done to ensure his understanding of 8th grade maths is complete.
3) Make him practice, the sums until he has understood fully and gained fluency i.e. speed and accuracy. Working out the problems should be automatic to him…it will be automatic only if he has practiced it a lot.
4) Make mathematics fun in whatever way possible…if you cannot make it intrinsically interesting or rewarding, then, offer him rewards for completion. Make sure he gets the rewards even for attempting maths, even for getting one step right…that way, he gets a constant stream of rewards, which will keep his motivation to do maths aroused. Of course, the reward should be something he wants; also keep changing the reward so he does not get bored with a particular reward.
5) Make him think aloud when he solves the problems and listen to the solving. Then you can identify, what he has misunderstood and correct his understanding immediately. The main problem is that feedback is not given to a student and so students never know WHY their answer is wrong. Unless, the teacher gets into the brain of a student and understands HOW the student has arrived at an erroneous answer, he will not understand why the student got the answer wrong. There is no point in giving the student the correct answer. Give the student, your analysis of why and where and how the student went wrong. Once he understands why his answer is wrong, he will get rid of that way of solving the problem and learn the correct way of understanding and solving the problem.
6) Praise him for all other achievements of his. Do not focus only on his maths low marks. Let him play and have fun and enjoy summer holidays too.
I know that you guys are not familiar with maths…i.e. you last did academic maths about 30 years ago when you were in grade 12.
I know and deeply appreciate what a struggle it is for you, with your non-mathematical backgrounds to teach maths of high school level to your kid. You have been immersed in the medical field which is your profession and the only maths in your life is juggling your house budget.
I know how much you struggle to study high school maths yourself, before you teach your kid. But remember, your kid is luckier than the kids in villages, without good school teachers, your kid is luckier than the kids of low literate parents who can neither help their kids with their studies nor hire tutors.
