How do I cope with retirement?

I may retire in ten to twelve years time. This forced quarantine due to corona is making me wonder if I can cope with retirement!

I have been home, sick, from 13th to 19th. During that time, I watched endless TV (shows on Netflix, Crave, Bell) and fortunately restarted work before I went crazy. I have about 5000 books at home, many of which I have not read, but either due to my illness or whatever, I did not feel like reading them. I had tons of work to do at home such as cleaning, laundry, etc but due to 'no mood' and physical weakness, I did not feel like doing anything. Not even things which don't need much effort.
I called and chatted with a few friends but not all. I have no hobbies or interests which are "useful" or where I "learn" or use a skill. I don't think I will ever be motivated to do volunteer work. Not for now at least. So how am I going to deal with retirement?

When I was younger, I never even considered that a day will come, when I will have to retire. I was too busy with my studies and then the anxiety of whether I will get a job, get married, have enough money, anxiety about my family member and so on. Now that those anxieties have subsided, it's nearing  retirement time.
For a few months (or maybe years) I ruminated about  retirement when I was frustrated at work or with life. Thinking of retirement at those moments felt really good. It was something to look forward to. I would imagine a life with even less discipline than now. I day-dreamed of waking up late or not at all; eating breakfast at a diner followed by a visit to the library or walk round the mall. Spending time reading a book in the garden under a shady tree. Subscribing to many shows such as HBO, Amazon prime, etc and watching endless TV; Subscribing to magazines. Travelling.  Spending time in my favorite cities such as London or New York; Bangalore or beach towns. Reading philosophy. Catching up on all my favorite shows I wanted to see but did not have the time to. Enrolling in some courses. Trying weed ... to hell with what effect it has on my aging brain!

But the boredom I experienced, when doing these activities  during last week's quarantine-time at home opened my eyes.   "Wanting" to try these  and "waiting" for retirement to try these things is a lot more fun than actually having the time to try out these activities. The long unbroken stretch of free time (one week) has not been a blessing but actually been pretty tedious.
I need goals and I need to experience that slight bit of anxiety to actually appreciate and enjoy life.

With regard to being with people when I retire, there are very few people I actually want to spend time with, either now or when I retire. I seem to have little in common with my family, friends, neighbours, colleagues  from both  India and  Canada. There are only a handful of people  I can "enjoyably" spend large amounts of time. I seem to have grown apart in thinking, attitudes, likes and dislikes from most of them. Also I am experiencing lesser need for being with people than I did in the past. No. I am not depressed. I am  happy interacting with few people and happy with my own company. I don't seem to need the friendship of a lot of people to be happy.

I do know I have less ambition than most of my peers. Maybe less passion too. I wonder if that explains my lack of goals. Or am I nihilistic? Life to me seems like an endless passage of days and nights which we try to fill up with things to do until we die. For some reason, most of us do not want to die but continue to life through this infinite and endless passage of days and nights, trying our best to get what we like (pleasure)  and trying even harder to avoid what we don't like (pain).
 We get older,  the body weakens and slows down...so we find things harder to do  and perhaps,  we are getting lesser pleasure out of life than before ( because we have seen and done most things before...the novelty has worn off or we have become jaded or ...not). Yet, most people do not want to die now or would prefer to die later. Most people do not see life as an endless cycle of days and nights, which they try 'their best' to fill up with endless activities that give pleasure or avoid pain. When they are done with one goal they move on to the next; when they are done with one pleasure they want the next one. There is no end to their wanting and this wanting makes us want to continue life forever.

I don't want to die for the sake of dying. I don't want to die to "put an end to these countless days of the future". I want to find something meaningful to do each day. I want activities, whatever they are, to be exciting till the day I die. I do not want to live beyond the point when I am not able to find any activity interesting. I do not want to live beyond the point when "everything is boring but I got to do something and got to do things to stay alive". What's the point of staying alive when you don't find anything exciting or interesting enough to stay alive for?

And this point of not finding things exciting, this point of feeling jaded...I am seeing this in such young people these days! I am shocked, when I see youngsters who do not find anything exciting and seem to lose interest in things after a brief while...even before they complete the activity. They seem to be constantly seeking things which are 'fun' or exciting for them...be it a new set of clothes, makeup, game, movie, restaurant, place to visit, whatever...they are bored easily and want to move on. This really saddens me 'for' them. If they are so jaded in their twenties, how are they going to go through the next 5-6 decades of their life?

If you, dear reader, think I am depressed when writing this, rest assured that I am not! Today is March 21, 2020 morning. I am waiting with eager anticipation to eat the masala dosa my husband is going to make now; then watching twin peaks on TV ( a weird bizarre show but still got me hooked to it!). Then I got to make chitranna as I want to taste something sour after this week-long sore throat, etc  did a number on my taste buds.

Turtles in Big Island, Hawaii

 The only turtle I saw on the beaches of Big Island Hawaii, basking in the sun, on the sand, The rest were in the waters. It was great to see this one! He/she was at least 2 feet in length and maybe 2.5 feet wide. Apparently this is only a youngster and they grow to four times this size!

 Above...algae covered turtle...they are called. green back turtles not because they are green but because they are covered with green algae. Below the sea turtle from the same family but not covered with algae.

Interesting things I saw on sale in Big Island souvenir shops

Below are the flower arrangements for sale I saw in Farmer's markets. I loved these colorful and differently shaped flowers, which are rare/not grown in my home, Toronto. 

I saw these arrangements by the road in many places...meaning someone had lost their life there in an accident. 

 Below are vulgarly named /funny things I saw for sale in souvenir shops.

 I loved these bags above and below...but they were over 20US$ each

Above are soaps...the cover and names make them interesting to buyers I suppose

Below...I saw this in a coffee shop...for those who do not know, the red round ones are coffee berry before the skin and flesh is removed. The next two are the dried coffee seeds of two varieties or maybe two ages...one old and new younger. The last is the roasted coffee beans before being ground into coffee powder. This was not on sale...display only.

Random photos from Big Island trip

Above...we visited the Hilo Farmers market by the sea and enjoyed the15 minutes roaming there.
Below are the fresh produce and the vendors.

 I could not believe that 'Adike' or areca nut grows in 'America'. This is something my family grew in my village in Karnataka in India.  I found this being sold in the farmer's market. I wonder who buys eat and how they use it.

 Above and below; colorful cocoa nuts...chocolates are made from the beans in this nut

 what better place to meditate? Under the shady trees, with the ocean before you, a gentle breeze wafting by, the continuous sounds of the waves reaching the shore and receding, few people around to disturb you and no human sounds, ideal temperature...not too cold and not too hot and a bright sun above. And if you are lucky, a turtle may come by to meditate/sleep/rest near you! I loved this spot on the beach! The beauty of Big Island is the lack of people, the wonderful weather and the absence of human sounds. I could sit here with my books and never leave!

Below is a turtle in the sea , swimming slowly...a relaxing sight to watch.

 Of the hundreds of coconut trees, I saw during my 7 day Hawaii Big Island trip, THIS coconut tree inside the airport was the ONLY tree I saw without it's leaves or nuts chopped off. All the other 1000 trees I saw had at least half their leaves chopped off and not even one tree had nuts in them. WHY? That is still puzzling me.

I saw this sign on Alii road and wondered what is a barefoot zone?

Below is the Hawaii beer we enjoyed with our lunch.

 Below and above is the trnacity of the roots of this tree, clinging to the volcanic rock it's growing on/in/under/above.

 Above ...wild horse...below wild cock...also saw plenty of wild mongooses but simply could not photograph them. They were so quick and always moving.  Apparently there are wild pigs too roaming this island. These creatures ubiquitousness to Big Island is 'proved' by the Tshirts sold in the souvenir shops.... T shirts with horses, cocks, mongoose and boars 

Below. Can you see the sand patterns under the water on this beach? This was a lovely beach... great for people with toddlers and kids as the waters were quiet and shallow, there was shade, not many people, etc. There were some beaches where it was impossible to get parking. So we would simply snapped a couple of photos and leave.

 Above is a Eucalyptus tree. I did not know it was also called as the Rainbow tree ...due to this lovely colorful shades on it. I saw this in the Waipua Valley when we went down.

 Above is a lovely red, delicate thready flower. This grows in India too.

 Above...the petals from a tree, seem to be blown into this formation round a puddle by the tree.

 Above, a bright yellow bird, like a finch...I saw this bird quite often, flying  in groups at times.

 Above...this may be part of a native Hawaii person's grave. I saw one with fruit offerings by the grave. This one was by the sea.

 Hawaii'a Big Island is famous for 'shaved ice'. Ice is shaved and sprayed with different sweet coloured liquids.  I enjoyed this one in Kona's farmer's market on Alii road.

 Above and below...this volcanic rock compound topped by colorful Bogunvilla on Alii Road was so charming...reminded me of Isla Mujre in Cancun of Mexico.

 Above...we would sit here and enjoy watching swimmers. This was close to our hotel (Kona seaside hotel). Our daily breakfast was here at a restaurant and we could see the sea, the people, the sun rise. it was lovely partaking breakfast enjoying this view daily for a week!

 Above ...an ocean liner with tourists near Big Island

 Above and below...you see these parrots on Alii Road. they belong to an old man. he charges 20$ to take a photo of these birds sitting on your arm.

Below. This sign seems to me that maybe all people of Hawaii are not happy about being 'Americans'. Some want to break away from USA and be independent.

That bit of trees growing on this hill seemed a bit weird to me. This was on our drive to the norht of the island.
Above was a green hill and below is a red hill...with no growth whatsoever! This is all volcanic rock and mud...this was while driving around Mauna Kea I think